Do you ever feel like your children need more than you have the energy to give? Please help us support this mom who submitted this week’s question.
I have a disability that causes me to be in an extreme amount of pain when I walk, sit, or stand for more than a few minutes. I use a wheelchair to get around the house and any outside activities. I have been dealing with this since I became pregnant with my third baby–he is six now.
I feel best when I am lying down. I feel sad that I can’t get up and play with my kids like other moms do. My daughter has a look in her eye that says “Please don’t take a nap, I want to play with you”. I know I need rest so that I can be the best mom I can be.
When the kids are in school, it’s easier to get the rest I need. Now that they are home for summer break, I am not resting as much. I find myself getting up to help them get their chores done, break up sibling fights, or to play with them and spend time with them. I really do need to lie down as much as possible to relieve my body from all of the pain.
I need naps so I can be the most patient, happy mom I can be. We’ve adapted our lifestyle so that I play games with them from my bed, we snuggle, watch movies, and we read. I have listened to Mommy Time 101 and have been implementing those strategies so the kids know when it is mommy’s rest time and they know that mommy will get up and play with them after her rest. However, I feel so guilty all of the time!
I feel like my children always want more of me than I can give, like I’m letting them down. That’s exactly it: they want more of me than I can give.
Image from FreeDigitalPhotos/marin with graphics by Anna Jenkins.
Hello.
I have rheumatoid arthritis and understand about the challenges that chronic pain and fatigue bring to motherhood.
My 7-year old son is more interested in busy physical activities than sitting and playing quietly – but I can’t ride a bike or go in the ocean or hike or camp out. Standing on the playground for too long is painful. Getting up and down off the floor is painful.
I don’t feel guilty because he gets to do the fun active things with others. (Sometimes I do feel left out.)
I don’t feel guilty because he knows I’m always open for hugs, and we have special morning and bed time rituals. Just like you have your special things, which your children will treasure. Every parent does different things.
How much do your children understand? Being honest with my son – in an age appropriate way – is helpful. He knows I have an illness that makes me hurt/feel bad/need rest sometimes. I just can’t do things other people can. It’s not a germ, and he won’t catch it. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just the way life worked out, and we have to make the best of it. Watching him makes me happy even if I can’t participate.
My hope is that by dealing with me now, he will learn to become a more compassionate man.
Although I do not suffer from chronic pain, I have frequently struggled with the feeling that my children want more than I can give. I am physically able to play with my children, but there are two things I have learned about children and mothering.
1 – My children (six of them ages 1-12) always want more than I can give. On any given day, I can guarantee that at least one of my children feels neglected because I have been unable to meet all of their wants that day.
2 – I frequently want to give my children more than I can give. My heart is full of desire to be the best mom that I can and I frequently put unrealistic expectations on myself of how that should look.
When these two things are present, despair will shortly follow.
However, some things that help me keep perspective are:
Recognizing the good I am able to do as a mother. I am enough. I am what my children need.
Being grateful for the time I am able to spend with my children. They are precious to me. So when we spend time together I make sure I am present and they feel loved.
Not looking for approval from others (especially my children!) about whether or not I’m a good mother.
I am doing the best I can everyday. Somedays it may not look like it, but I am doing my best and my best is all I can do.
At the end of the day, instead of reviewing all of the things I wish I had done, instead I chat with my husband about the good things that happened or even the not so good things that I can now laugh about. This helps me focus on motherhood with peace, love and gratitude instead of worry, guilt, and longing.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be to be a mother with chronic pain. But I completely sympathize as a mother who wants to give more to her children than she is able. Be patient with yourself and I’ll try to do the same.
From what you have said, it sounds to me like you are doing a fabulous job of coping with your situation. I love the quote that says, “We can’t direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.” And you are doing just that! All the adaptations you’ve made and strategies you are using are benefiting your children for the better.
I can only imagine how challenging chronic pain must be. The only life experience I’ve had that even begins to compare is severe morning sickness, where I spent the better part of three months in bed or on the couch. During that time, I definitely had to “adjust the sails.” And I did many of the things you talked about– giving my children attention by reading them books, watching movies together, and just being in the same room with them as they played– and I rested.
I also called on others to help. I knew I didn’t have energy to take my children out, so I invited friends to come over. I didn’t worry about cleaning my house to prepare for guests. I knew they knew my situation and would understand. And often I would lie on the couch while talking with my friend, but it was nice to have our kids entertain each other and gave me the social interaction I also needed. I also asked friends to go grocery shopping for me occasionally and if anyone offered to bring me dinner or have my kids over, I said yes!
But I still understand the feelings of guilt– which I think sometimes come when we compare ourselves to others. Don’t let yourself fall into that trap. You are doing so much better than you realize. And I am cheering for you!
I understand about not being able to give as much as your kids want. I think most moms feel like that (even without the additional struggles you’re dealing with) and one thing that’s helped me when I feel like that is to just sit down and talk with my kids. I ask them how they’re doing, and I ask them how they think I’m doing. I ask them if they feel like I’m doing a good job as a mom, and what they wish I could do better. It’s a great way to open up a dialogue with them about my limitations (I’m an introvert, which feels like a handicap when I have 4 very high-energy kids) and find out how those limitations are affecting them.
Often when I do this, I find that my kids are much more forgiving than I give them credit for, and I find that what they really need and want from me is less than I had assumed. We are always able to work out a good compromise, and it’s much better to have an open line of communication than to always wonder and worry that you’re not doing enough. It’s also good for them to know that they can be open with you and talk about how they feel (rather than complaining) without worrying that you will get angry.
Best wishes to you and your family, and hoping that your health struggles lessen as time goes on.
My heart goes out to you! And yet I know God’s heart is tender toward you and that He is so pleased by your obvious love for your children. This world is not our home, and while we are in this world that is not our home, we will have trouble. Much as we long to protect our children from pain and suffering, they, too, will learn these truths, and yet you are showing them that there is a love that goes beyond this world and its troubles. I can tell you, as a mom of older children, that what my daughters tell me is this: “I’m so thankful I have a mom who talks to me” and “I’m so thankful that you always make me feel better” and “I’m so thankful I know I can tell you anything.” These are gifts you can give and are giving your children in spite of your physical limitations. One of my favorite quotes is from Jill Briscoe: “there is an art of leaving things undone so that the greater thing can be done.” You may have to leave some things undone out of necessity, but you are still doing the greater thing by wanting the best for your children and by caring that they know they are loved. God’s blessings on and strength for you, fellow mama!
While I’ve never had a disability or chronic pain, my mom began experiencing chronic pain when I was about 10 years old and it is still persisting today (I’m 31 now). Luckily I was her youngest, so a lot of the heavy lifting of motherhood was done by that point. Still, it was not easy for her to go from having a very active lifestyle to basically being bed-ridden. A lot of things changed for our family over time. She no longer cooked much at all and she rarely attended sporting events and things like that.
But, we have a great relationship today and some of my fondest memories with my mom are just lying on her bed with her talking or bonding over our favorite Jane Austen adaptations. I understood growing up that my mom needed a lot of rest and that there were some things she couldn’t do but that didn’t change the fact that she is my mom and that I love her very much. And yes, it did help me to have empathy for those who suffer from different physical and mental health issues.
Anyway, I just wanted to throw that out there. I love what the other commenters have said, too. DON’T feel guilty about the things you cannot give–you are giving so much that you can’t even see right now. But they see it and even if they are disappointed at times as kids, they will come to appreciate all of the sacrifices you are making for them. Keep up the good work!
This was a great comfort to hear from an adult child who went through this with their own mom! While I am not the one who originally posted, I am in the same situation. So , from that standpoint, I thank you!
No matter our situation I think that we all struggle from feeling inadaquate at one time or another…or very very often even. One thing that I am trying to do better at, is to have clear expectations for myself. Very often the times I am discouraged and feeling that I am not giving enough, that they need more, that I am failing…is when my expectations are out of line. Every mothers personal expectations will be unique to her and for her children- even varies by children depending on who you are raising and their personality. I have found a lot of help in writing things down as I am brainstorming what I expect of myself. Then I reprocess and re write weeks or months later, it is never ‘done’ only a chance to re evaluate what I need to be doing at that time. My friend Candi taught me MTO- Minimum (what is the absolute minimum I can do to meet this standard), Target (the ideal- what would I like to do), and anything past that is Outrageous (good for you- extra bonus but not something that happens often). Maybe consider your own personal expectatations – looking at ALL the current stuff you are going through- and then hold yourself to this- rather than the guilt because you are not doing other things. Good job with what you are doing and hang in there! I do’nt know why we have the trials we do, but you are learning and growing and blessing your family!!
This sounds extremely difficult. I’m sorry you’re going through this! My first thought is that if we were friends in person, I would rally some of our other friends around you to help you physically with your responsibilities. Parenting young children is demanding. I would offer to have some women volunteer to take your kids for a few hours, or visit you at your house while their kids played with yours or cook for you or whatever else might be helpful to you. If you have a faith community or a couple friends with whom you can be really open with about your struggles, it is my fond hope for you to have others to ease your burden. Also, have you checked with your county for any assistance they might offer? I don’t know a lot about this but perhaps there are some resources available for you. United Way first call for help might be a good place to start – just call 211 on your phone. A friend or family member might be helpful to navigate this with you if there is some kind of assistance available that requires filling out a bunch of forms or whatever. Since I don’t know if you would be comfortable asking people for help, please know that many, many people consider it a privilege to come alongside others but often don’t know the true struggles you might be having until you ask – It actually can bless someone to let them help you. I am praying for you today and I am hopeful you will find help and encouragement in this online community and in your personal community. We can’t always do it alone and that is totally OK.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I was extremely sick for nine months when I was pregnant, and I felt unbelievably discouraged–my physical condition impacted my emotional and mental condition. It was one of the most difficult trials of my life. Do you have emotional support? If you feel like you might be getting depressed due to your physical limitations, I encourage you to reach out to a counselor or a trusted friend. I went to counseling during that time, and it helped.
I felt guilty all the time because my son watched so many Disney movies when I was pregnant and so sick. The guilt made my physical and emotional pain even worse. I would encourage you to try your very hardest to NOT feel guilty. Your physical condition is not your fault–it’s nothing to feel guilty about, and you are doing very best as a mother. It is enough. YOU are enough of your children, even with your limitations.
My mother had breast cancer for 13 years, from the time I was six until she passed away when I was 19. She was very ill and was in bed a lot of the time. But I remember her as the most loving, engaged, fabulous mother a girl could hope for. In fact, I feel like her illness made her an even better mother than she might have otherwise been because she was so PRESENT for us. She had to focus on the essential in life because she couldn’t do anything extra. She was available to talk when I needed her. I would go lay next to her in bed and we would talk, laugh, or watch a show together. I would encourage you not to try to “do” extra things for or with your children if the doing drains you of the energy that you need for the loving. You need to preserve your energy so you can be optimistic about yourself and your children. If going to the park makes you so exhausted that you can’t be present with your children for the rest of the day, don’t go to the park. Your kids can do that with a friend or family member. They can do different things with you.
The suggestions others have given are great. I echo the encouragement to seek help from friends and family and to accept help when it’s offered! If it’s in your budget, you could consider hiring a babysitter to take your kids to do fun things once in a while while you rest. I’d also suggest making a really simple schedule that includes one-on-one time for each of your children (even if it’s 5-10 minutes, even if it’s in your bed). This always helps me feel like a “good mom” and it helps me to enjoy motherhood more.
Whatever makes you feel like a good mom, do that more. If you enjoy reading to your children and it makes you feel fulfilled, do it for an hour every day! If you enjoy watching movies with your children and discussing them afterward, do that every day! Don’t worry if the way that you do motherhood looks different from how others do motherhood. YOU are everything that your kids need!
Hang in there!!!! Disability and illness are so so difficult. I don’t know if you are religious, but this is a video of one of my favorite sermons about getting through each day when you are dealing with a trial that isn’t going to go away any time soon: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUBIIHBrOoU
I’ve gone through a period of chronic pain in my life too. It feels devastating to not be able to do all the things I once could do–which was a lot! I was bedridden basically for a year and then limited after that.
I felt terrible that I had all these precious children and they didn’t have a mom they deserved.
After a while I realized they were learning things that would have been impossible if I’d been healthy and so “in the way” like compassion, concern for me and others, helping younger siblings (my kids were 8, 5, and 1 when it began), independence, and working out squabbles on their own etc.
I had to say no to almost all extra activities and it was a very freeing thing (although at the time it felt awful).
We did homework and reading in bed, family meetings from my bedroom, and the kids learned to work more without complaining.
Thankfully my circumstances have changed and although I can do more, I am still limited. However, my children still have the positive character traits they learned during my months in bed and we are all better off for it.
You are doing your best. Trust God to make up the rest even though your parenting may never look like you would want it to. It’s the only thing you can do. Be really gentle on yourself. You cannot control the circumstances, but you can pray and model a positive attitude. This trial and the example you set for your children could give them the tools they need to succeed more than anything else you could teach them while on your feet. Don’t discount the long lasting positive effects of something like this.
Be the best mother you can with what you’ve got and you’re enough for your kids. There’s a reason you have the kids you do. They must be strong, capable, and kind and lucky to have you.
I have not had an opportunity to read through the other comments that have been left, but with only a few minutes I wanted to make sure that I added my thoughts to this and come back later to read all the great input.
First, I think no matter the circumstances, we are all prone to feel guilty and feel that we are not enough or should be more to our children. Entertaining that line of thought, particularly when you are doing your best, is only a waste of time and a destructor of improvement.
Second, from a more personal and uncensored place, I was the child of a mother who didn’t have the health to be there for me all the time. Before I was 10 she suffered kidney failure and it was many many years of bed ridden days waiting for diagnoses, dialysis, hospitalization, donor wait lists and more. I had 4 older siblings (all well into their teens), who were all well into more independence than I could muster at my age. I also had a younger sibling (5 years younger). But I felt most often alone. When I would approach spending any time with my mom, all I would hear from adults is that she needed rest time and to leave her alone. I was called selfish repeatedly for wanting to be near my mother. I would have given anything just to be next to her and in the same room. To feel like I could help in some way other than being invisible. As a child, I could understand that she needed her rest, I could not understand how other visitors were getting her waking hours before (and in many cases, instead of) her own daughter. It was a really sad and lonely time for me.
As an adult, and as a mother myself, I feel like I am only starting to realize that it would have been a hard and challenging time for her in ways that I will not be able to understand as it is a part of HER life experience and she will process experiences in ways that I will not simply because we are different people with different perspectives and history to draw on.
That said, as an adult, I also realize how much it would have meant to be needed and wanted when I was a child.Children are incredibly loving and desire closeness. I love to spend time with my children however possible. I can see how it fills them up.
All this to say, don’t beat yourself up. Thinking back to my childhood experience, I would have loved an emotional connection with my mom and the opportunity to sit down with her more. You are trying, you are spending time with your children and they are going to feel that love and effort ten-fold. I promise. Rest. LOVE them. Be the support they need. YOU are their mom and they need YOU. Above all, keep up the great work and don’t idle time away thinking you aren’t enough for them. Because you are everything that they need and more.
LMH, your comment moved me most of all, and, though not your intent, made me feel bad for the times I ask my babies to leave me be once my hubby gets home so that I can have the silent darkness I need to overcome a debilitating migraine. However that only happens during the extremely bad ones, but still, it made me recall their sad little faces. I wish there was another way.
As to you, original posting momma, I see you! I see you for you are me. We are the same! I felt every word you wrote as though I had written them myself. Since having my youngest son 6 years ago, my health has rapidly declined to the point that I am in pain every day. Activity increases the pain to an excruciating level quickly, how quickly depending on the activity. Then on top of my body pain, I have chronic migraines as well. I have basically no support system other than my hubby and my mom. My precious sons both have autism so I have chosen to homeschool them because our school system here is very inadequate in the special needs area. Because of their autism, sometimes it’s difficult for my boys to understand that mommy just can’t do a lot of things. Combine all of this, and it’s the perfect recipe for guilt and depression. I have to fight against both.
Momma, first, know that you’re not alone! There are others like us all over! Find some Facebook groups and participate in them. That can be done from your bed or couch via a laptop, tablet, or phone! These groups have been lifesavers for me! It’s hard to get out, and I don’t have anyone to come over, so this is the next best thing. If you do have local friends, call them in! Just like it’s been suggested, have them over for playdates! And don’t worry about what the house looks like! True friends don’t care! And be gentle with yourself! This goes for the physical part as well as the mental and emotional parts! Don’t push yourself so much physically trying to make your kids happy that you end up paying for it for a week! It’s not worth it, for you or for them! And don’t lie there beating yourself up emotionally for laying there! You’re all piled up TOGETHER and that’s what matters most! I do a LOT of our homeschooling from the couch, but they’re still learning! It doesn’t matter WHERE tje love is happening, momma! All that matters is that it’s there! (((HUGS)))