Did you know it’s Grandparent’s Day this Sunday? Seems like a good time to talk about this subject.
This is what many Sundays afternoons look like in our house: My mom and dad call and wonder if we can Skype. We jump on the computer and call them. They can’t get the camera on their phone to work. Or the audio on our end is choppy and we keep talking over each other. Or the call freezes half way through and we’re stuck with awkward “frozen computer face.” Or my older kids suddenly forget how to talk and can only give monosyllabic answers.
It is a twenty minute exercise in frustration and I wonder, is this worth it?
Like many people, I do not live in the same city as my parents. This makes my heart ache a little. And because it’s so expensive travel, I only get “home” once a year. This makes my heart ache a lot. So, these choppy video calls are my kids’ connection to their grandparents. I do this for them–because I want them to have a relationship with my parents. But I also do it for me.
On the surface, it may seem like these video calls don’t really have much to do with me. I love my parents. I enjoy chatting on the phone with them or exchanging texts. I don’t need the video calls to have a relationship with them. But I have vested interest in showing my kids that I’m making an effort to include them in our lives.
You don’t have to be a religious person to know that “honor your father and mother” is a glue that holds our society together. The reality is, families take care of each other. That includes the little people in our lives and the older people in our lives. And it’s never too early to start teaching my kids that the generations in our family are linked, even if it’s mostly through choppy video calls.
So how do I do it?
1) Just call your mother
Sometimes I fall into thinking that calling my parents has to be a special occasion or and end-of-the -week treat. But aren’t our lives really just a sum of small, inconsequential moments? The real meat of life is in the minutiae. I should just say, “Let’s tell Grandma!” when anything happens and not wait for the special moments.
2) Talk about your parents in a positive way in front of your kids
This one I learned from my kids. My husband and I sometimes tease our parents in a good-natured way. We are a family that treasures a self-deprecating sense of humor. But we found our kids picking up on the teasing without understanding the nuance between teasing disrespect. So we doubled down on speaking positively about our parents.
3) Tell stories about your parents to your kids
This one is easy to fold into in our days. My kids love hearing stories about when I was young. Usually I’m the protagonist of those stories, I try to remember to include the supporting cast–my parents. Like the time I got my car stuck in a giant snowdrift and my dad helped me dig myself out, or the time my mom stayed up with me all night as I finished my poetry notebook for school. That lady can really type!
4) Forgive your parents
I have, fortunately, been blessed with extremely good parents. But they are not perfect. Neither am I. Even though I’m trying very hard to be a good mother, I’m going to make mistakes. I just hope my children are watching as I shrug off my parents’ missteps and grasp hold of the many ways they enrich my life.
So will I continue to endure those sometimes frustrating Skype reunions with my parents on Sundays? You bet I will. And I hope, along the way, I will be teaching my children a little more about honoring their parents, their grandparents, and all of the family relationships that will bind them and carry them through life.
QUESTION: How do you keep your parents and your children connected?
CHALLENGE: This week, try out one of the four suggestions from this article: call your parents for no reason, talk more positively about your parents, tell stories about your parents to your children, and forgive your parents for their weaknesses and mistakes.
Edited by Rachel Nielson
We also live far from our grandparents. We skype now and then, and we call grandma when something exciting happens–like when someone takes their first steps or loses their first tooth. Since they often have more ability to travel than we do, and they are within driving distance, we will invite them for some of the more important events, recitals, school performances, etc. I usually let the child involved do the inviting. Even though they can’t always come, they appreciate being included. I can sometimes send pictures of the event, if they couldn’t come.
One thing they have really enjoyed is letters. When kids are really young they can do little more than scribble on a page, but I also try to trace their little hands (or feet). The older kids can write letters (two or three sentences, maybe, and usually a drawing) about what is going on in their life. Sometimes it’s a piece of construction paper decorated for an upcoming holiday, and everyone takes a corner and adds their personal flair. Emails are wonderful, but there’s no substitute for something you can hold in your hands, put on the fridge, or save in a safe place to pull out and look at later. I make sure it’s in their handwriting, as much as I can. I want their personalities to come through. That is priceless for a grandparent. And sometimes grandma will even write back, which is a treasure for little ones as well.
Thanks Andelin. Mail is so magical for kids, isn’t it? What a great idea!