Editor’s Note: Dina Alexander is the creator of How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography. A Kindle version of this amazing resource is on sale THIS weekend (5/27-5/30) for only $1.99.
When I decided to become involved in the movement against the online porn industry, I had already talked about healthy sexuality with my kids on several occasions. But I still had a lot of the same fears and questions that most parents have: Were my kids too young to start talking about porn? Would I create a “curiosity” in them that wasn’t there before? Would I inadvertently shame them?
My first “porn talk” with my kids was far from perfect. But ultimately I conveyed a more important message: I love you more than anything, and I am willing to talk about tough topics—and even embarrass myself—in order to educate and prepare you.
As we repeated lessons, gradually including more information in these talks, something wonderful happened: we grew significantly closer together! By initiating these “awkward” conversations and answering their questions honestly, my kids came to understand that there was no shame in wanting to know more about sex. They came to realize that Mom and Dad would always answer their questions calmly and kindly.
Through our own experience talking with countless parents and doing a ton of research over the last three years, members of my organization and I have developed several valuable tools to help parents through these “tough” talks.
Start Young, Don’t Stop. Children as young as three can be taught to tell a trusted adult right away if they see something on a phone or tablet that makes them uncomfortable. They can also be taught to not look at photos or videos of naked people. It is also easy for them to understand that we don’t take photos of others or ourselves in our underwear or naked. Remember, it is never too late to start, no matter the age of your child. Begin simply, and trust yourself. Continue these dialogues as they get older by adding new information or posing new questions about social media, sexting, or other topics important to you and your family’s values.
Below you’ll find three ways to approach these conversations with your child:
Normalize Curiosity, Banish Shame. Reassure your child that it is natural to be curious about sex and anything related to sex, including his own body and the bodies of others. If you are embarrassed by your child’s questions or curiosity, you imply that there is something shameful about these topics. You may want to create a “safe zone” in your home when discussing these or any tough topic. During a “safe zone” conversation, your child should feel free and safe to ask any questions or make any comments without judgement or repercussion. She should be able to use the term “safe zone” again when she wants to confide or discuss something difficult for her.
Questions to ask yourself before talking with your kids:
- Why do I feel embarrassed talking about ______?
- How can I help my child feel more comfortable talking about sex or pornography?
Questions to ask your kids when discussing curiosity and sex:
- Why is it natural to be curious about sex?
- What is a productive and healthy way of finding out answers to questions about sex?
- How can I help you to feel more comfortable asking any question you might have about sex?
Define Pornography, Create a Plan. There are various definitions of pornography that you can use. For example: pornography is the portrayal of explicit sexual content for the purpose or intent of causing sexual arousal. In pornography, sex and bodies are commodified (made into a product for sale) for the purpose of making a financial profit. Simpler definitions can be used for younger kids such as: pornography is pictures or videos of people with little or no clothing on.
In this discussion, some questions to ask your kids are:
- What makes something pornographic?
- Have you ever seen pornography?
- What is the difference between art and pornography?
- Where are some places we might be exposed to porn?
It is important that your kids have a plan for dealing with the first time (and other times) they see pornography. Having a plan will help your child feel empowered with knowledge and preparation. In my family, we call this the RUN plan:
Recognize what you’ve seen and get away from it. (Is there nudity? Are their obscene noises that help you quickly identify porn?) What will you do when you see it?
Understand what you’ve seen and talk with a trusted adult about how it made you feel. Help your child know that there are many reactions one might have to seeing porn for the first time. She may feel sexually aroused, excited, disgusted, angry, or confused. These are normal reactions. Discussing them will help your child sort out their feelings and process the experience.
Never seek it out again. Spend some time talking about possible places where your child might be exposed (at home, on a cell phone, at a friend’s house, on the school bus, etc.) and ways to avoid it. Make the commitment together that they will do all they can to avoid it in the future.
Acknowledge Addiction, Focus on Humanity. We can teach our children that pornography can be a tragic addiction, but it is even more important to help them understand the true social costs underlying pornography. They need to know that porn is violent, hateful toward women, racist, and incredibly degrading. As parents, we need to combat the onslaught of hyper-sexualized media and porn that almost always portrays (and usually celebrates) male dominance and a woman in a position of powerlessness.
Questions for this discussion include:
- Why doesn’t porn depict loving, intimate behavior?
- Why are racism and cultural stereotypes celebrated in pornography when they are generally rejected in all other areas of pop culture?
- What does it mean for a society that a majority of boys (and girls) are watching cruel, violent porn as a means of sex education?
As you discuss the dangers of pornography, it is critical that you set aside time to talk about its opposite: healthy sexual intimacy.
For more information and tools to continue these conversations, see How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography by Educate and Empower Kids. (A Kindle version of this amazing resource is on sale THIS weekend (5/27-5/30) for only $1.99.) Covering topics like Building a Foundation of Trust, Self-Monitoring, An Adult Industry Targeting Kids, Healthy Sexual Intimacy, and much more, this book discusses the problem simply and then helps you engage your children in meaningful, practical conversations.
Other great resources from Power of Moms are:
Power of Moms Radio
30 Days of Sex Talks with Dina Alexander—Episode 120
Pornography: A Totally Doable Plan for Protecting Our Kids—Episode 79
Articles
Book Summary: 30 Days of Sex Talks
How to Teach Your Children about (*GASP*) Pornography
White Ribbon Against Pornography: A Resource Guide
QUESTION: How have you bridged this topic with your children?
CHALLENGE: Use one of the additional resources listed above to help yourself become even more comfortable discussing this important topic with your kids. Then, open up and talk.
Image provided by author; graphics added by Anna Jenkins.
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