My kids have a problem: they think the ultimate goal in life is to have fun. I knew we had reached an all-time low when I heard twice in one week my kids praying, “Please bless us to have a fun day tomorrow and a fun day the day after that.”
Is that what our prayers have become? Are our lives really so blissful that the blessing we ask for is “fun”? Are we so out of touch with others’ needs and so removed from thanking the Lord that the only place where we need God to intervene is to guarantee our fun? Yikes! Where have we gone wrong?
After some serious self-reflection, I realized that we’ve been creating these fun-fed children. As they leave our car, we smile, wave and shout, “Have fun!” After they return home from somewhere (school, practice, playdate, church), the question is usually, “Did you have fun?” And if they didn’t, there is often a decent amount of concern about what might be wrong and how we can remedy this un-fun problem!
Not only that, but we live in a culture full of cheap thrills and expensive entertainment which everyone feels they must be a part of. You don’t take an annual trip to Disneyland? Your poor kids! You aren’t going to spend the day off at a trampoline park? Bummer! Not joining a pool this summer? Yuck! You aren’t going away for the three-day weekend? What will you do at home?
See the problem is that fun is a drug. Take a little, and you want more. Take enough, and it no longer satisfies. You need bigger, better, more expensive ways to fill you up. The simple moments are no longer satisfactory, and the big events don’t seem all that big anymore. Fun is a junk-food diet that leaves you giddy for a moment, then hollow and wanting more.
The kids learn it from somewhere: media, friends and, yes, parents too. Our culture worships leisure, entertainment and fun. As parents, we have forgotten how to have a good time with our kids without paying for someone to fabricate it for us. We have forgotten that the most fulfilling and closest relationships are not the ones based on constant fun together but ones where we have worked, laughed, loved and struggled together. I don’t want a cotton candy relationship with my kids–I want something substantial and real.
As I read biographies and listen to interviews with successful people who have changed the world, there seems to be a common thread in what they learned as children and adolescents: HARD WORK. It doesn’t matter which country they come from, their socioeconomic status, their gender, their beauty or lack of it, they succeed by working hard at something, for something, or to merely survive. And these lessons almost always started at home.
So, this year, we are turning over a new leaf in our home. We are still huge advocates of enjoying life, seeing the positive and taking it all in. We want to travel with our kids and show them the wonders of nature and different cultures. We love to play sports, take walks, visit the theater, attend concerts, hike, play games, swim, watch movies, and just be together, but…
This year we will work hard together, too. We will create memories and strengthen relationships as we accomplish difficult things together. We will hold our boys accountable for their efforts in our family, in school, in sports, in music, in hobbies, and in their church duties.
We will no longer ask our kids if they had fun, because frankly, we don’t care. They can choose to make every experience fun if they want to. It’s up to them and absolutely possible. But we will no longer worry about creating fun for them or shielding them from hardships, unpleasantness, or heaven forbid…boredom! We want them to reap more than fun from life. We want them to be fulfilled. We want them to reach their potential. We want them to be excellent.
We will change our focus and instead ask:
Did you learn something?
Did you feel productive?
Did you work hard?
Did you try your best?
Were you a good friend?
Did you try something new?
Did you push yourself?
Did you make someone’s day better?
Did you add value?
Did you create something?
Did you grow?
Did you discover something?
Did you change the world today, even in a small way?
Because when you can answer “yes” to any of these questions, that’s when life really gets fun.
QUESTION: Do you feel like our society puts too much emphasis on fun? How have you taught your children the value of hard work?
CHALLENGE: The next time your child returns from an activity, try asking one of the author’s alternate questions instead of, “Did you have fun?”
Edited by Aubrey Degn and Sarah Monson. Image from Shutterstock with graphics by Julie Finlayson.
This post came at a great time. I had been feeling guilty that I didn’t plan more “fun” for my son’s winter vacation week. The weather here has been so frigid, with intermittent snowstorms, that it has been hard to plan anything. By the time the vacation week is over, my son will have had a grand total of two playdates, two doctor’s appointments, and lots of time hanging out at home with mom. I was feeling really badly about this. But the flip side is that he loves his downtime and doesn’t get as much of it as he would like when school is in session, and I’m thankful that he enjoys this low-key playtime at home and is able to entertain himself. Also, he did some special Valentine’s Day activities with mom and dad, will have a sleepover with Grammie (a rare treat!), and he gets to go shopping for a cub scout uniform since he is about to join. We do plenty of fun things throughout the year, so I guess having a low-key week once in a while is good in order to keep him enjoying the simpler things in life.
Claire, thank you for your thoughts! I have many of the same feelings when I don’t plan “big events” during our time off, but it always seems to be just fine and we have the moments we need. I am training myself as well as my children that we don’t always need so much “fun.”
Thank you!! You know, I don’t even think I ever thought of this! It really is a habit to just say, did you have fun today? But you are right over time that could start to spread the wrong message. Will be changing what I say.
It is such a hard habit to break! I have to really concentrate or order to say something different!
I love this post! I quit saying have fun to my kids when I drop them off and pick them up because it sounds so hollow and meaningless. I tell them to make it a good day or be a good fiend to someone today. Then I ask them how it went. It has taken a lot of pressure off of me because I used to feel guilty when they “didn’t have fun.”
That would be friend not fiend. Typing on my tablet makes things interesting.
I love that idea. “Make it a great day,” is so much more empowering. I am going to adopt that saying!
Amen sister.
Such great thoughts! I often ask if they had fun too, but yet my school lunch notes my son asks for are always about positivity, good thoughts, finding fun in the simple everyday, good decisions are up to him, etc. I never noticed the two sides I am doing until I read this. Also, I told my DH last fall as we were looking ahead to plan this year’s budget, that I want this year to be more about experiences as a family vs getting stuff (in terms of where we spend our budget). What I realized while reading this is that in my planning, I’m looking at stuff based on “fun”, experiences too, but I’m rating it unconsciously on a fun scale for all of us. This has opened my eyes to what experiences we could all benefit from that may not seem fun to kids but in the long run I know they would enjoy, ie service experiences. Thanks for opening my eyes and mind! Another thought is how easily “fun” in this context becomes as ambiguous as “nice”…perhaps enhancing the drug effect of needing more since there’s so much left unfulfilled ultimately in the search of the elusive fun that separates us enough as an individual and includes us at the same time so we feel as a part of our circle of friends
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Janice, thank you for your willingness to share your self-reflection. I do the exact same thing as I plan for my family…it is so natural. I wrote this essay quite awhile ago, but revisiting it has been harsh since I am not doing nearly as well as I had hoped one year out, but I will keep trying!
All we can do is try…and encourage each other.
I love “make it a great day” too! I usually say “be good and be kind.” But I need to expand my options–I love this article and the great suggestions in the comments too!
I loved this article! These same thoughts have crossed my mind but your writing put it in a more concrete and together form for me. Thanks! This is something I plan on working on this year now as well.
Thanks Michelle!
So true! We have such an entertainment-driven mentality!
Though I have tried to emphasize kindness and hard work with my children, your well-articulated article will be really helpful as I think through my focus. Thank you!
Thanks Anna!
When I was growing up my parents tried to emphasize who we were as a family during home evening lessons and family discussions. We knew our family valued work and service because our parents drilled it into us. Then every day as we were leaving my mom would say as her parting phrase “remember who you are.” I never realized until this article how much more powerful that was than a simple “have fun” or how deliberate my mother had been in choosing her words. I’m going to have to up my game to match my mom’s…
I find my parents more and more amazing as I realize how hard this parenting with purpose is! Thanks for the great suggestions and reminders.
This article was exactly what I needed. I have noticed my kids using that phrase, “Bless us to have a fun day!” Fun is not bad but it is not the ultimate goal. As many of you have said – life is about so much more than fun. I think I will discuss with my kids the difference between fun and joy. Joy is so much more fulfilling!! Thanks for your thoughts – I have been inspired to change what I say!!
So true! Joy is what really fulfills us!
I love the list of questions at the end! Thanks for a great article!
I love this article! I often tell my oldest son to “have fun!” It started with sports and his drive to be the best on his team. I was attempting to remind him that it isn’t about being the best. Your article really challenged me to consider all of the things it could be about in addition to being fun. Sometimes he has expressed a desire to discontinue a sport or a club simply because it wasn’t fun enough. While I want him to enjoy himself, maybe fun needs to come down off the pedestal for a while. I really appreciate the suggestions you gave at the end. I will be trying some of those out soon!