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I am writing this post on the tenth birthday of my third child. We have a four-year gap between our second child and this boy. We waited and hoped for him. We were told we might not have any more children because I had some health problems. He is a miracle boy, and he was born beautiful and perfect.
He turned out to be a hard baby. He had reflux and ear infections. He was hard to soothe, and he didn’t sleep well. He wore me out day after day. But I was so grateful that we were blessed with him, and I felt guilty for struggling to find joy with him. The struggle extended into his toddler and preschool years. He was totally different from my other two children; they were much calmer and more compliant. He was wild and destructive and so smart, and he demanded my full attention. He was two when my daughter was born, and I have countless stories of the destruction he caused while I was feeding or changing her.
I was having a lot of difficulty finding joy in parenting this child who, some days, I even had a hard time liking. I loved him to pieces. His adorable face, his dimples, and his amazing smile and eyes softened my heart daily. I’ve said for years that the hardest children have the sweetest faces—it’s a survival mechanism!
I was praying and pleading daily to have help and patience. I had a degree in early childhood education, for heaven’s sake. I knew how to teach and discipline, right? But I didn’t have any answers for this passionate, intense child. I was humbled and needed help.
Many times God answers our prayers through others. Five or six years ago, while still struggling with this child, I went to a church meeting. The speaker said he felt that he should put away his prepared address and speak from his heart about what God was telling him to say. He started talking about his son. This son exhibited challenging behavior and was often wild. He talked about how their household was calmer and less contentious when this child was away from home. He explained that dealing with this boy was difficult for him and that he struggled to find joy in their relationship. At this point in his talk, I was crying uncontrollably because I knew exactly who he was speaking to—me!
He then went on to tell about an accident that his son had experienced at age five. The doctors didn’t know if the boy would survive, and he was in the ICU for a while. It was during this hospital stay, while sitting next to his son’s bed, that the speaker first saw his son for who he really was. He saw his son’s character and potential, and his heart was changed. Then he concluded his talk with this: “If you have a child like this who you struggle with, know this—these are the kids who are going to change the world. These are the kids who have the charisma, the determination, and the willpower to change this world for the better.”
That final idea changed my life. I knew exactly why the speaker was supposed to put away his prepared talk and speak from his heart: God was answering my prayers and pleadings. The talk didn’t change my son, but it did change me. It changed my whole outlook on my son’s personality.
Now that doesn’t mean things have become easy for us. It’s still hard to parent a very intense, passionate, tender-hearted perfectionist. But I can see who he is becoming, and I can see that his passion and drive and hard-working attitude will take him far in life. My job isn’t to change him or break that spirit; it’s to channel all of that in a good direction.
My son’s personality is vastly different from mine, and so many times I feel I’m in foreign territory, but my prayers and pleadings for this child (and for all of my children) are constant. God hasn’t failed me yet. I make mistakes and get frustrated much more than I’d like, but I also love and snuggle and compliment much more than I yell.
Now my relationship with this son is really good. We laugh and joke and talk about his passion, enthusiasm, and energy in positive ways. We talk about how to channel his anger when things don’t go his way. We are working on having conversations and not just asking questions. (The average child asks 144 questions a day. I’ll bet my son asks 500. No joke.)
It is a joy to parent him. But it has taken a large amount of work on my part to make that happen. One of the most helpful things I did was to write down all of my son’s character qualities. As I wrote down the ones that drive me crazy, I turned them into something positive. For instance, acting loud and obnoxious became being enthusiastic and expressive. It was another perspective changer.
I know I’m not the only one out there who has struggled like this. If you are struggling, know you are not alone, either. Part of the reason the talk at that meeting was so powerful was that it taught me I wasn’t alone, and my guilt was taken away for the feelings I was struggling with.
Lynn Robbins, a religious leader whom I admire, spoke once about parenting being character building and refining. Something he said in this talk has become one of my all-time favorite quotations:
“A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong . . . to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity . . . . With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other . . . virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?”
I am grateful for this boy. I am grateful for the mother I have learned to become because of him; I need him to become better.
QUESTION: Do you have a child or family member whose personality clashes with your own? What have you done to try and improve your relationship? How has it helped or not helped?
CHALLENGE: Make a list of the challenges—personalities, circumstances, relationships, or something else—you have encountered in your parenting or your family, then make a list of the ways you have grown as a result of meeting those challenges. Set goals for how you want to be better after challenges you are currently facing.
Edited by Katie Carter and Amanda Lewis.
Image from Shutterstock. Graphics by Julie Finlayson.
Thanks you. I have a son very much like yours who I feel like I’m failing too often because of my own struggles to deal with his enthusiasm, energy, and endless need to push boundaries. This was good to read.
Much love to you and to him. Hang in there Mama and remember he is an amazing kid, just hard to parent! Have you read Parenting your Spirited Child? It was a game changer for us.
LOVE this!!
Wonderful, Cheryl! Thanks for writing this!