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Power of Families

Ideas and Inspiration for Purposeful Parenting

Question of the Week: How to prevent the whining

by on Posted in: Questions

Recently we asked our readers what parenting dilemmas they need help with. From a mom of six kids under the age of 8 we received this question:

 

“How do I stop the whining when I ask my kids to do things?  We have some children that just dig in their heels and won’t do anything unless threatened with punishment.”

It’s fair to say that almost every parent has dealt with this situation in their parenting journey. For some children it seems like it is their natural response to start complaining as soon as something is asked of them, and it doesn’t take long for that to rub off on other children in the household.  A chorus of whining and complaining can try our patience as parents and easily leave us frustrated and flummoxed.

In her post, “Five Tips To Motivate Your Kids To Pitch In Without Pitching a Fit”, Amy McCready, shares some practical solutions to increase cooperation and cut down on the whining. McCready’s suggestion to “watch your words” made me rethink how I was speaking to my own children. Simple reframing of my request makes a difference in how my kids react.

For example, I have learned that for most of my teenagers, they don’t mind pitching in, but they want to have a say in when it gets done. While in my mind I want it done “right now,” that makes my children feel as if they don’t have any control. (And a sure-fire way to create whiny kids is to take away their sense of control).  However, if I tell them what needs to occur and give them a time frame to do it in, they are much more likely to complete the task without grumbling. This makes us all a lot happier and eliminates parental power struggles.  Often it is small changes that can make a big difference in creating a cooperative family atmosphere.

QUESTION:  HOW DO YOU GET YOUR KIDS TO DO THINGS WITHOUT WHINING? Please share your answers in the comment section below!

 

Photo by Hunter Johnson on Unsplash

Comments

  1. When my kids were little, I found that it worked really well to have a chart that listed the specific things they needed to do each day (with pictures instead of words for the ones who couldn’t read). Then they would get a chance to put a sticker or check mark next to each thing after they did it. It seemed to really help them to have a visual way of seeing what they needed to do and keeping track of what had been done. As we’d go over the chart together, I could briefly explain each duty on the chart and talk with the kids about how long each thing would take (typically about 5 minutes) so they could have a good sense of the scope and effort involved in each thing and see that what they’re being asked to do is simple and easy.

    We also had a special prize at the end of each day for a while called the “QHW” award. It stood for “quickly, happily and well” and went to the child or children who did what was on their chart and what they were asked to do quickly, happily and well that day. Sometimes it was a little treat, sometimes lavish praise, sometimes a chance to stay up 15 minutes longer than usual – we did different things based on what prizes we had – or didn’t have – on hand.

    It’s true that some children are more prone to complain and whine than others but making expectations clear, helping kids re-frame to see that what they are supposed to do isn’t that hard, and rewarding the behavior you’d like to see more often can really help.

  2. I love the “Quickly, Happily and Well” idea. I am going to try that this week!!!

    I have heard about the importance of “one on one time” for years. I am not consistent in scheduling these with my kids but I know that when I have individual time with my kids it results in less whining and more cooperation. Usually my kids that tend to whine really just want my attention or have something going on that is hard for them. I try to label our time together by saying, “I am so glad we had a chance to have a mom and me date” or “I am so happy you played that game with me – I love spending time alone with you!” After I invest time in our relationship they usually are open to a chat (at a later time) about what is going on and what we can do to help them get their stuff done without whining.

  3. Something we used when my oldest kids were young were chore sticks – I wanted to upload a picture of ours but I guess you can’t upload pics to a comment. Essentially kids have a stick for each thing they need to do in a day. They pull one out and that is the job they do. My kids thought it was fun and it got me out of having to tell them daily /hourly what to do. You can set up the chore sticks how you want – we let them return a stick and choose a new one but by the end of the day they had up have all their sticks (jobs) done and flipped over.

  4. Google “chore sticks” and tons of posts will pop up. Adjust it a make it work for you and your family! I feel like we have to changes things up every so often to keep the kids engaged!!

  5. I started a disrespect jar. It’s a quarter per offense. Everything from interrupting to talking back to, yes, even whining, counts. We haven’t decided yet what will happen with the money. I made $1.25 just running errands one day. ?

  8. For parents of younger kids, here are my tips 🙂
    1. When they ask if they can help you, say yes (as much as you can)! Even if it’s easier and quicker to do the job yourself. Little children love to help out and get involved. And they love to work with us parents and caregivers. Make them feel welcome and help them feel capable.
    2. Start early. My 3.5 year old sprays the table and wipes it down after meals and my 13-month old joins in with her very own tiny sponge 😉
    3. Prepare the environment to help them be successful (e.g. keeping cleaning tools within reach and providing child sized materials when relevant). For example my 3 year old has his own cleaning caddy in his kitchen closet – it contains a small spray bottle, a small dustpan and brush, sponges I’ve cut so they fit in his hand, apron and hand mitts for drying wiped down surfaces. If you have toddlers check out the book “The Montessori Toddler” by Simone Davies, and/or read some of Maria Montessori’s books 🙂
    4. Be aware of how you ask for help and when you ask. Be sensitive to what your child is doing or how they are feeling – sometimes they just need time to transition from one activity to another. Nobody likes being told to do something “right now!”
    5. If they whine, acknowledge their feelings, briefly state the expectation/rule, give choices then disengage. For example: “I’m sorry you feel frustrated/tired/insert-relevant-emotion-here.. We’ve agreed that you clear the table after dinner.. Would you like to start with your glass, or your plate?” Ok Mom, I’ll start with my plate..” After this, if they whine some more or say things to push your buttons, disengage. You’re done. You’ve reminded them what’s expected and they are doing the work. Sit on your hands, try your best not to say anything. Don’t fuel the whining or get pulled into a power struggle by nagging, over-explaining, or showing you are triggered. We are still practicing this but it totally works!

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