My youngest child emerged from the womb resistant to any form of cuddling. I thought at first that it was a phase and with a little persistence I could turn him into the snuggly baby I envisioned. Pretty quickly I could see that was not going to be the case. He was, for lack of a better word, prickly. I learned to treasure the few minutes after he woke in the morning as it was the only time he allowed me to cuddle with him for any length of the time. Briefly he would lay his sweet head down on my shoulder and mold his little body to mine and then almost as soon as it began he was finished and squirming out of my arms.
Little did I know that this was just a glimpse of what was to come. As he grew, he continued to be resistant to most forms of physical contact. Friends told me that the more I hugged and kissed him, the more comfortable he would become, but the opposite seemed to be the case. I would lean in for the hug and he would back away. And a kiss? Forget it—that was off the table for sure.
I confess that I felt like a bit of a failure in the mom department and as he entered his teen years I learned that he was not just a prickly kid in the physical sense but communicating with him had its own challenges. He certainly wasn’t one for a lot of “heart to heart” talks or the baring of his soul to his mom or dad.
Kristine Jones, in her review of the book, “How to Hug A Hedgehog” shares this suggestion from the authors:
“Parents can improve communication with their teens by watching for non-verbal cues. Just as we had to figure out the meaning of our baby’s cries, parents of teens have to determine the meaning of their unspoken messages.”
Over time I found this to be true when dealing with my son. Letting go of what I thought was the best way to show affection opened my eyes to my son’s non-verbal cues. I learned that while he might not be very comfortable with physical forms of affection, he loved sharing his insights on the world with us as parents, texting movie quotes back and forth and playing games together as a family.
Prickly kids may not be the most cuddly but they sure can be a lot of fun once you figure out how to connect in a way that works for them.
QUESTION: HOW DO YOU LOVE A PRICKLY CHILD? Please share your ideas in the comment section below!
Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash
My oldest child is a cuddler while my second would be considered a “prickly child.” It was hard for me to realize that there were other ways to show love to my child other than hugging or cuddling with him. One if his passions is reading … so my way of connecting with him is getting him books at the library, taking him to get books at a used bookstore, sharing books that I love with him, and discussing books that he is reading with him. I know he knows I love him because we connect through his love of reading. I can be supportive, encouraging, interested and engaged without having to make him uncomfortable. Every once in awhile I can squeeze in a hug but I try to remember that physical touch is ranked last for him of the five love languages so I try and respect that.
Our 8yo is Mr. Huggy (he regularly ASKS for hugs still, which just melts my heart!), but his 5yo bro is Mr. Naysayer/Grumpy Pants, who is only interested in a hug and a kiss when it’s time to see him off on the bus. I still tease him regularly with unsolicited hugs, though, because he almost always ends up giggling like crazy afterward, even though he often protests the idea up front.
Like you said, understanding their unique interests is very helpful in helping us as parents meet our kids’ needs and balance that with respecting their individuality and wishes.
I think sometimes as parents we can think we are doing something “wrong” if our children aren’t very affectionate–especially when they are teens, but some kids are just like that.