Holidays could easily make me feel like a “mom fail.” As I scroll through Facebook and Instagram, it is obvious my little ones are getting the raw end of the deal. My kids are the ones dressed in old sports uniforms for Halloween, and one year I sent them to school with a plastic grocery bag for their Valentine’s box. Leprechauns have never visited our home. We tried the Elf on the Shelf, and he only moved once…then we forgot about him
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When notes come home about large, artistic school projects, I groan inside. I am completely incapable of cutting a straight line, which doesn’t translate well for science fair boards and large scale book reports. It’s tough to tell the difference between my artistic efforts and my kids’.
Pinterest has created an even wider chasm between the “haves” and “have nots” when it comes to creativity and patience. It used to be that only the really talented parents could pull off a show stopper, and now it’s shocking when someone can’t.
But, here’s the thing: I LOVE that you can.
I love going through the Valentine boxes (or bags) and seeing darling, homemade cards. I love hearing about the coolest Halloween costumes and seeing really amazing science fair projects. I love that you celebrate the heck out of St. Patrick’s Day. I love that my friend makes ridiculously amazing cakes for her kids’ birthdays and that my cousin threw a carnival when her twins turned one, complete with cotton candy, clowns, games, and a myriad of other awesome things.
I also really love it when you invite us to be a part of all your momentous events.
And, it’s not just the mom stuff that I think is incredible. I am in awe of our pediatrician who diagnosed allergies by a line on my son’s nose and women who create their own businesses out of small ideas in cluttered garages. First grade teachers completely knock my socks off. Can you imagine throwing a seven-hour birthday party every day for 28 six-year-old’s and hoping they learn something in the process? I could never do or be any of these things, but I am so glad there are women who can.
We teach our kids that different is good, that life would be boring if everyone were the same. But when people are different than we are, or, more pointedly, better than we are at something, it makes us feel insecure. It’s as if them being great, all of a sudden, makes us less good. That feeling makes us scramble or insult or dismiss or excuse, just to put ourselves back on higher ground.
But instead we sink, and we bring other women down with us.
I don’t want people to dial things down so I can feel secure. My friends don’t need to hide their talents so I can feel better about myself. I want to live in a community where women can showcase their strengths and pursue their talents at home and in the workforce without the fear of being or looking “too good.”
When women excel, at anything, it is good for all of us. I love that my kids get to be part of crazy, creative class parties and caring playgroups. I’m grateful for intuitive physicians and gentle dentists that keep my boys healthy, I always make sure to check the Reputation Management for Dentists because I want my kids to be in the best hands at all times And I like bringing what I have to the table too. I like helping with essay writing and reading. I like sharing book lists, favorite museums, and a few good recipes. I like pulling a little extra weight in the school or classroom, or driving to soccer practice while another mom is out on the police force or nursing a newborn.
I spent most of my college years studying literature from a feminist perspective, and in hindsight, I may have had it all wrong. Feminism is different for me now. To me, a real feminist allows all women to discover what their best self is, and then lets them be that best in a world, nation, and community that refuses to cut down what is painstakingly being built inside the home or outside of it. We should celebrate the opportunity that women can be anything, from a corporate leader to a killer room mom. There is a seat for everyone at the table, and we all benefit when everyone gives their best to make things work.
I had a neighbor who had a talent for making every moment sensational for her family with visits from the Magic School Bus and themed family evenings; I had another neighbor who was a concert pianist and so cultured and well spoken you wanted to brush up on grammar and philosophy after chatting with her; I had a friend who donated serious amounts of cash to many organizations children were involved in. Being close to these women didn’t make me a less successful woman or mother. I was still me, but I was able to learn from their creativity, culture, and generosity and hope that a little of their goodness might rub off on me.
Many years ago, in a rough moment of inadequacy, I wondered how I could ever measure up to everyone around me. Then, I had a distinct Godly impression, almost a voice that said, “I gave you these boys because they needed YOU to be their mother.” It was a beautiful, spiritual experience as I realized who I WAS instead of who I wasn’t. My boys didn’t need a college professor, a sports star, a party thrower, a decorator, or a perfectly organized mother, they just needed me, and I was enough.
You are the perfect mother for your children and your kids just need YOU. They need your best self, and when you are being that, whoever YOU are, it is enough. After that realization, who other people are, what they do, and what they have fades into the background– and what emerges is who you are now and who you can become.
An unintended consequence of realizing who you are is that your children see confidence and assurance in your mothering. You don’t have to make excuses or tell half truths; you are who you are, and not only are you okay with it, but you embrace it and hold to it. They stop begging to do things like other families and manipulating your emotions to mold you into their ideal parent, and they start enjoying what your family has to offer them (most of the time).
And next February 14th? You you can send your kids to school with a plastic bag for their Valentine’s box and do it with a smile, because you show love differently, and it is just the kind of love they need.
QUESTION: When do you find yourself focusing on what you aren’t, rather than what you are, as a mother? Do you truly believe that YOU are just what your children need? How do you avoid comparing yourself to other moms’ strengths?
CHALLENGE: Take some quiet time to contemplate or write about how YOU are just what your children need. Write a list of traits and talents that you possess; ponder on how these bless others. Invite a mother who intimidates you over for lunch or on a walk.
This article was originally posted on June 9, 2014.
For great articles full of ideas to make holidays and all special family occasions wonderful, check out our eBook: A Deliberate Mother’s Guide to Holidays, Vacations, and Quality Family Time (The post you just read is the lead chapter in this book!) Because you read this post, you can use coupon code GUIDE50 to get 50% off.
Edited by Dawn Wessman and Sarah Monson
I can totally relate. Thanks for this nice perspective this morning!
This post felt so freeing. Thank you! You have such a great voice in your writing too!
This fresh take on motherhood is like a balm on my heart today…thank you! Just when I feel like I’m not good enough, that the “other mother” is always a step ahead of me…this piece just gets right in there and reminds me that we can celebrate one another’s success without diminishing our own gifts and abilities. My inability is someone else’s capability! 🙂
Thanks Rhonda and Dawn! I appreciate you kind words today!
I love this! My very favorite part is this: “To me, a real feminist allows all women to discover what their best self is, and then lets them be that best in a world, nation, and community that refuses to cut down what is painstakingly being built inside the home or outside of it. We should celebrate the opportunity that women can be anything, from a corporate leader to a killer room mom. There is a seat for everyone at the table, and we all benefit when everyone gives their best to make things work.”
I love the idea that we all benefit when we each do our best to be ourselves! Thank you!
I am also an Elf on the Shelf deadbeat, as well as the type of mom who, if given a glue gun, will probably manage to glue her own fingers together. Sometimes it is hard living in a Pinterest world where it seems like every woman out there can do everything with flair and style.
So — needless to say — I love this post. You say it all so beautifully and you are absolutely right: we each have something unique to bring to the table, so why fall into the comparison game? Thanks for the reminder to celebrate our differences.
Hi Brooke. I am in tears as I read this article. Today is our last day of school and I have been contemplating how I want the summer to be with my kids. I am not super creative, but I love being outside with them and playing with them. I have a hard time keeping the house organized, probably because I am trying to do what comes naturally for others instead of using my own strengths. I am going to really think about what I can give to my kids and not worry about what I can’t. Thanks for your words. You are a beautiful writer.
Amazingly well written and spoke right to my heart! I’m one of those moms who plans over-the-top themed birthday parties and enjoys arts and crafts. My husband and I spend hours every year creating elaborate, homemade Halloween costumes for our son. We do these things because we truly enjoy them, not because we’re trying to one-up anyone else or prove that we’re better parents. Yet I constantly feel judged by others as one of those “anything you can do, I can do better” parents. But the reality is nothing could be further from the truth. My motivation in doing these things is never to one-up anyone else. I just simply find joy in those types of activities. There are so many things I’m not good at. You won’t find me coaching little league or teaching a Sunday school class. But I’m so glad that my weaknesses in these areas are strengths for others. Thanks again for your thoughtful words.
Thank you for your kind words, support and talents Ginny, Kelly and Jessica. So happy your kids ended up with women just like you.
This article is fantastic! Thank you SO much for putting into words what has been in my mind for yearrrsss!! I love it when women can celebrate each other’s talents without making it a competition or pity party for themselves. That is the mark of a true, confident woman!
Thank you Shannon! I love that there are so many of us who feel the same way.
You are my kind of woman. I loved this article and have read it a few times. Thank you!
Thanks Laura. Hope you have a wonderful Christmas!
I loved this article especially the middle section where you talked about your awakening to why you were the mother of your children. I wept as I realized that God has a plan for our children and he brings them to us for us to pass on the wisdom and skills that we have learned. It’s beautiful to me how our children also inspire us as they develop their talents. I know that God designed each person with gifts and talents and I have found confidence in him as I have continued to develop my talents and use them to bless mankind.
Brooke, you are a beautiful woman who is a healer, and gatherer, and someone that truly allows others to be themselves. My only regret is that I didn’t get to know you better when I lived in AZ.
May God bless and sustain your family as you continue your journey to bless other people’s lives and bring peace to their souls.
Francesca your experience is beautiful. Thank you for taking the time to write it. I cannot tell you how much your kind words mean to me. Sometimes I wonder if all the time and energy I put into writing is worth it and it is difficult to stay motivated, then I read something like this and I am motivated once again. Thank you! I wish I would have spent more time getting to know you too. All my love and gratitude, Brooke
Please please know that your words are powerful, meaningful and very much appreciated.
I’ve read that men are more competitive than women, and yet it seems in this sphere, we can be every bit as competitive! Your ideas really resonate with me and now I just need to let them seep into my consciousness and actually internalize them. I think celebrating the accomplishments of others without feeling diminished is hard. I find that when I truly love someone, it is easier to celebrate than sulk. Maybe that’s the trick, looking past the accomplishment and seeing the soul behind it. How does their mom look at them? I know my mom is absolutely my greatest cheerleader. She thinks everything I do is great without a hint of jealousy. My accomplishments in a sense are her accomplishments. If we saw ourselves as one large sisterhood and every well written article, great cooked meal, science project, and polite child was a point for “our team” then we’d have so many reasons to celebrate. And from your article, it seems you already get that. Thanks for sharing this perspective with me.
Take some quiet time to contemplate or write about how YOU are just what your children need. Write a list of traits and talents that you possess; ponder on how these bless others. Invite a mother who intimidates you over for lunch or on a walk.
Thanks Mary! I love your thoughts about love. That is truly the key.
Amen, sister! I wrote a post similar to this on my blog, and I called the post “There Is No Bar.” I wrote it in response to a video I’d seen of a choreographed mother & son wedding dance. The video was awesome- they were amazing! But what bugged me was the caption that went with it, that said that the video would have “mothers and sons everywhere upping the ante for their moment on the big day.” There is no ante! There is no bar! If you want to do an awesome wedding dance because it’s important to you, then do it. But don’t do it just because somebody else did.
Thanks again for this reminder. I am not an Elf on the Shelf mom because I know myself well enough to know I’d be trading in a calm, happy mom for it (but I love seeing others do it). I am a St. Patrick’s Day mom because I think March is boring- it’s just that awful in-between time when it’s still cold but close enough to spring that it seems unfair that it’s still cold, so I need something to cheer me up. My kids build the leprechaun trap, the leprechaun somehow cleverly outsmarts it, but he does leave gold chocolate coins! 🙂
Love your thoughts Kasey. You are right, there is no bar!
I needed this today! Thank you! I do a lot as a mom but holidays and parties are not one of them.
I love that you acknowledge all you do! We truly cannot be everything. Thanks for your kind words Haley!
Thank you for putting into words my own thoughts about women and comparing and mothering. You nailed it. And thank you for the reminder that my kids need me. And even though I can still improve in countless ways, I am still what they need. I am forwarding this link to all my friends. 🙂
Thank you Julie!
Brilliant and Spot on! Thank you for this great post which was a timely reminder, what with Easter coming up. I do try to make certain occasions special, but have still found that my loving presence is what makes my three kids the happiest. Not intricately decorated eggs or 3 tiered cakes. They don’t mind that they get a chocolate brownie cake each birthday, cut in the shape of their age! Because they know it’s done with love. I have also felt ‘less than’ in the past, but I no longer compare, because I see we all have our own different lives, values, interests, skills and amount of time. But we all love our kids and want them to be happy, and being ourselves, and accepting and loving ourselves is really a big gift for our children. Because we want THEM to love themselves, too. And to celebrate differences. We teach by example. Thank you again for this brilliant post!
Thank you Nicky. I love the way your children appreciate the things you do with love and your emphasis on teaching by example. Yes!!
Oh, how I agree with your thoughts and how wonderfully you have expressed them! It is always good to read and be reminded of such small, yet monumental changes to our thoughts’ orientation!
Thank you Tara. I wrote this years ago, but it is still a great reminder for me too. I appreciate your kind words so much!
I love to design and make things! Especially involving fabric or yarn. I love sewing! Other women tell me they aren’t creative. My answer? Everyone is creative, but not the same way. Do you like to write? Often the answer is yes! If not, I’ll go through a list of other creative outlets: gardening, cooking, home decorating, fashion, woodwork, etc.. There will be something!
We were all created to create! Sometimes it takes a little work to find the right media.
Thank you for sharing the message!
The ability to create is such an amazing thing! I totally agree with you Mama2eight. Creation gives us purpose and enjoyment in this life…everyone is creative in their own way.
This is so many things I want to say! Thank you so much for writing this.
I’m writing a blog post on competition in motherhood. Would you mind if I shared this passage (with a link to this page)?
“[W]hen people are different than we are, or, more pointedly, better than we are at something, it makes us feel insecure. It’s as if them being great, all of a sudden, makes us less good. That feeling makes us scramble or insult or dismiss or excuse, just to put ourselves back on higher ground.
But instead we sink, and we bring other women down with us.”
Thank you again for writing this.
You are welcome to share Jenn. Thanks so much for your kind words. Would you please link to my blog, http://www.brookeoromney.blogspot.com? You can find the original post there. Thanks so much!
I posted your quote at http://www.oneimperfectmom.com/its-not-a-contest/ (I used bookeromney.com because the blogspot was down). Thank you!
Hi Jenn. Fantastic article. Thank you so much!