This article was originally posted on November 4, 2014.
I was really struggling when my twins were a couple months old. I hadn’t slept well in months, at least one baby was either nursing or crying around the clock, and my two-year-old was having a hard time adjusting to her new role as big sister. Then my mother mentioned how she felt so much bliss after her last child was born. Bliss!
That was about the last thing I wanted to hear. I was supposed to feel blissful? I had just purchased the twins christening gowns from Bundles Of Joy and the christening was in a few days! What was wrong with me?
Many of us moms feel this way when we’re told to enjoy every moment. We feel like we’re failing. We love our kids and want to enjoy them, but we get tired and grumpy. Sometimes we just need a break. And then we feel guilty…like we’re doing something wrong.
I remember going to the library to pick up some books for Kate, who along with two other kids, was home with the flu. While the librarian scanned my books, I mentioned that my kids were sick. She said, “I remember those days of the stomach flu. You will get through it.”
I appreciated the encouragement, until she continued, “And, kids really do grow up so fast. Cherish these moments.” I jokingly replied, “Well, I’m not cherishing the flu.” But she insisted, “Yes, even cherish the time with the flu.”
I had no idea what to say to that. I finally muttered something about cherishing the moments they weren’t throwing up, gathered Kate’s books, and left.
It wasn’t until a week later that what that librarian said–what all these people had said –made sense. I was sitting on a chair holding Ally at bedtime as she moaned about her stomach hurting. Luke was running around naked waiting for me to put on his pajamas. Anna was yelling for me to brush her teeth, and Kate was reading a book to the new puppy (who desperately needed to go outside). I looked down at my sweet toddler, at her fever-flushed cheeks and rosy lips, at her chubby arm across my chest. I kissed the soft curls that lay against my chin, and I realized that somehow, despite the mess, despite everything that needed to get done, I was enjoying that moment.
And it came to me almost like an epiphany. This is what they are saying!
I suddenly realized these women who’d been here in the midst of motherhood before me were telling me to enjoy moments, moments just like this one. They weren’t telling me to enjoy every minute. Nobody enjoys every minute of anything. What we live for are the moments within the minutes.
As I sat on the chair, holding my daughter close, I realized these moments we find in life usually aren’t moments we create. It occurred to me that I’ve spent seven years of motherhood trying to create the moments to enjoy. I would quickly try to clean the kitchen, start a load of laundry, and have the kids tidy up the toys so I could read books to them and have one of those perfect moments. But by the time the kitchen was clean, the laundry was started, and the toys picked up, the kids were often too tired and crabby to enjoy the time I’d planned to have with them. A moment was likely waiting for me if I’d just gotten down in the mess of toys and played with them.
What I realized that day was the moments are already there. We don’t need to create them; we just need to take them in. A baby fresh from the bath. A pair of chubby little hands hugging our necks. A preschooler dancing to music she sings herself. The look on an older child’s face when he first understands a tough math problem.
So, while I’m living life with my kids, I’m trying to take time to breathe in the moments. I now think to myself, “This is a moment and I’m so grateful for it.” And when things aren’t going well, it’s simply, “This is just a minute (or a collection of minutes) that I’ll forget.”
Maybe the women telling us younger mothers to enjoy the moments have forgotten the rough times of motherhood, but it doesn’t matter. Those were just the minutes, and we will forget them, too. Their advice is a reminder that we’re surrounded by moments, that these are the moments.
QUESTION: What moments have you enjoyed with your children this week?
CHALLENGE: On a particularly difficult day, take time to reflect on the enjoyable moments within the minutes.
Edited by Sarah Monson.
Image from papaija2008/FreeDigitalPhotos. Graphics by Anna Jenkins.
Really loved this thought! Thanks – I am going to try to find some moments today!
I think that’s a great goal for every day! 🙂
Thanks! Today I enjoyed when my 1.5 year old was making noises during the prayer, and we couldn’t hold in the giggles. Irreverent, I know- but may be missed someday when things are just more quiet and boring!
That’s so true! There are days when reminding ourselves of this can change our whole perspective!
THANK YOU! I loved this thought. Yesterday was my birthday so I told myself (and my husband) that I wasn’t cleaning anything except emergencies and that I would resume my household duties the day after. I found so many fun moments to play and dance and sing with my 18 month old. After stopping at the library I didn’t feel rushed to get home so I could clean up more things, so we went and enjoyed a fun hour at the park. The dishes waited, and got done this morning while she ate breakfast. I need to just slow down and savor the moments I have while she is still little!
That’s wonderful! What a great day, full of “moments”!
This is wonderful. It reminded me of Glennon Melton’s 2012 article, “Don’t Carpe Diem” ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html ) at about the 15th paragraph (or maybe 17th, depending on how you count them), where she talks about the difference between “Chronos” time and “Kairos” time. It’s probably my all-time favorite article on motherhood in general; worth reading. 🙂
But what was especially important in what you wrote, for me at least, was the reminder that trying to “set up” the moments by doing all the mundane stuff FIRST (dishes, laundry, decluttering, etc), rarely works. I’ve been doing it that way for the past 6 years. I consistently spend a disproportionate amount of time “setting up”… only to miss the moments. My oldest turned 6 yesterday, and she and I experienced a day full of special moments. Why? Because I let perfectionism fall by the wayside in favor of pursuing what couldn’t really be measured: her smile, longer eye contact, losing track of time in a shared activity, a reminiscence that wasn’t a flawless recounting but ended with all of us cracking up together…she felt loved and I felt like the kind of mom I usually only dream of being. Those things don’t come naturally to me, but shouldn’t have to wait for a child’s birthday. Well, it’s a good turning point for me. Here’s hoping that in the next 6 years, with practice, it’ll become second nature to drop the pursuit of perfection and grab whatever moments come along. I’d like to have no regrets.
Thanks!
Sarah, it sounds like we have similar personalities. Hopefully, we can both stop trying unsuccessfully to create the moments and get better at living in them!
Love this, Kristal! I try to remember each and everyday that I will indeed “miss this someday”.
I needed to hear this today.