“You can’t sit here.” “You are so slow!” “You’re stupid.” “Your shoes are weird. The laces are broken!” That last one is my personal favorite. It was said to my seven-year old son, Josh, who promptly made me get him new laces.
In Kindergarten, Josh was the new kid. We had many chats about how it’s okay to be shy, but it’s more fun when we’re not. On the playground he spent several weeks watching the other kids play “dragons.” Every day he would come home and tell me he wished he could play. Every day I told him, “You just have to ask. They’ll probably say yes.” Finally, he did ask. They did say yes–followed by months of happy recess time and new friends. I felt like a fantastic mother.
Then we hit first grade. He was no longer the new kid; he had two friends from our street in his class. I wasn’t even worried. But in first grade it is no longer just the little kids on the playground. Suddenly there were lots of bigger kids around–and lots of insecure kids jockeying for position and the right to be “cool.”
The first couple of weeks were rough: he was unable to find any familiar faces amongst the kids at recess and then was called countless names; he was told he couldn’t play, couldn’t sit with people at lunch, and couldn’t run fast enough. He even had two good friends exclude him from a secret club. I was appalled.
Josh is athletic, smart, funny, and has lots of friends that he plays with regularly. But he is also quiet and kind and won’t fight back. He even hates when I listen to talk radio because they “talk mean.” I watched all of this bullying happening with an aching mother’s heart, and I pondered what to do.
I told my son I would find the kids and sit on them–and then fart on their heads. But that didn’t seem to be the best option. So what can we as parents do when others are mean to our kids? How do we give them the confidence they need to not let the criticism pierce their hearts?
If it is a serious case of bullying, we should of course get teachers and other parents involved, but I think a lot of times kids need to work things out themselves–or at least try to with varying degrees of support from parents. Here are some suggestions that helped us through the process:
1) Know Your Child: Of course we want to jump to the defense of our child; but it is important to remember that there are different personalities and two sides to every story. In Josh’s cases, I knew he was quiet and sensitive and would take any teasing personally, even when another child might blow it off. Knowing your child will help keep things in perspective and help you know when the problem is serious enough to warrant your involvement.
2) Build Confidence: Remind your kids frequently of their strengths. Make sure they know who they are and that they have worth, no matter what anyone tells them. Give them opportunities to work out issues with peers whenever possible so that when a situation comes up and you aren’t there, they will have confidence that they can handle it.
3) Don’t Hold Grudges: I of course automatically dislike any child that hurts mine in anyway. But there are some things you can change (yourself, your attitude) and some things you can’t (others). People will do and say stupid things, intentionally and unintentionally, and I had to learn for myself, and also teach my son, that sometimes you just need to let it go.
4) Offer To Help: Ask your child if there is something that they want you to do to help with the situation. Usually they will say no, at least initially, but knowing the option is there can make them feel safe.
5) Role Play: This gives the opportunity to talk through all of the actions, both positive and negative, that your child can take in response to being bullied. You can then discuss how he/she would feel and what the consequences would be in each scenario before he/she has to make the decision on the spot. In the case of Josh’s two good friends excluding him, we decided he had several options:
- Tell them that they were not being good friends and ask them to let him play.
- Say okay, and find someone else to play with.
- Be mean back, and refuse to play with them if they asked.
- Have me talk to their parents.
6) Set the Tone: It is so easy for a mother to escalate or de-escalate a situation. You can flip out and say, “That’s horrible! Why would anyone do that to you?!” Or you can calmly say, “That’s too bad. Were you upset about it? Do you think ______ was having a bad day? What do you think you should do about it?”
For example, my sensitive boy got into the car after swim team practice last week. I could tell he was upset and he said, “Mom some kids were making fun of me because I swim faster than them.”
To which I replied, “That’s fantastic! You must be doing awesome!”
After our brief conversation he was grinning. If I had said, “I’m so sorry, Honey, that’s really mean.” It would have grown into a big deal in /his head and could have resulted in him being nervous to go to practice.
7) Give Them Perspective: “Mean” happens to everyone. Share stories about your experiences. It can change their outlook. Discuss why the other child might have been mean.
We have so much power as moms! We can instill confidence in our children and give them useful tools so that unkind words don’t “pierce their heart.” I use the visual of an arrow bouncing off their skin.
So although watching your child face unkindness from his or her peers can be heartbreaking, there are ways that we as mothers can help them navigate the harsh realities of the world–and we and they will come out stronger, more resilient, and closer to each other as a result.
QUESTION: What can you do to better equip your child to handle a “mean kid” situation on their own?
CHALLENGE: Think of something you can do to build your child’s confidence every day.
Edited by Elsje Denison and Rachel Nielson.
Image from Shutterstock with graphics by Julie Finlayson.
Jennifer Brimhall says
These are some great ideas! I need to work on the building confidence ones. One idea that has worked well for us, is that I like to invite the mean kid to go get some ice cream with me and my child. Sometimes the mean kid is mine, and we invite the hurt one. This really helps to break the ice between them and things have improved after that.
Nicole says
Thanks! What a fantastic idea!
Tasha Bradshaw says
Cousin, so fun to read your article! Thanks for sharing your experience.
April says
Nicole, THANK YOU for writing this beautiful post! I think if every mom in the world approached these situations in such a positive way, we would have world peace! 🙂
Growing up, my mom always said, “What do you think is happening in this child’s life that would cause him or her to be unkind?”
I learned early that happy people are kind to others and “all communication is either an expression of love or a cry for help.”
Even TODAY, when I get an unkind email or if someone is rude to me, my initial response is one of compassion (“Wow, that person must really be in pain.”)
The situations only become more intense as the kids get into high school and the issues become deeper, but learning these beautiful skills you’ve outlined here will set our children up for success all their lives.
Thanks again for sharing!!!
nicole taylor says
That is a great and selfless approach. I need to incorporate thinking of the pain the other person must be feeling more.
Tiffany says
This was timely for our family. My son, just last night, came to me to tell me some things that have been recurrently happening on the school playground to him. There are some unkind things that are being said and done to him and I knew he was quite hurt when his eyes welled with tears as he explained the situation. My heart ached for him. I actually planned today to search for “bully proof” articles on the Internet or look for such a book at the library for ideas. This article came at exactly the right moment and I agree with these ideas! I did ask him what he thought he could do, but I wasn’t sure what to do next. Now, I’d especially like to help give him some perspective that mean things happen to us all, help him realize that unkind people are most often hurting inside and feeling insecure and I just love the role play idea, which I think we will definitely try too! Thanks!
nicole taylor says
I’m so glad it helped. Growing up is so hard.
Amber says
Loved this Nicole. loved the offer to sit on the mean kids and fart on their heads! That’s true love right there 🙂 I think the hardest thing for me this year has been watching my 11 year old daughter try to break into friendships with kids who have known each other from kindergarten. We’ve moved a lot – so she is no stranger to being the new kid and thankfully very outgoing. No one has actually been mean, but at this age every girl wants some BFFs and it’s tough when some girls don’t realize there is room for more than just one good friend. That’s definitely something we can do as moms is encourage inclusion … And yet tricky because even I don’t want to invite the whole class over to play after school.