This morning, I found myself lying face-down on the wet sidewalk leading up to my front door.
No, I hadn’t slipped on the dewy grass while going to get the mail or been attacked by a neighborhood mugger; I was down on the concrete on purpose, peering into the garden with my four-year-old son, Noah.
We were both on our stomachs, our faces inches from one another, and we were watching in awe as a slimy slug crept its way across a leaf.
Rewind fifteen minutes earlier, and you would have seen a very different scene. I was in the zone, bustling around the house picking up stray toys, responding to emails, and mentally running over the day’s tasks and activities.
Noah approached me with his morning responsibilities chart and said, “I’ve done my jobs, Mom! Now all that’s left before my ‘screen time’ is our Special Time! Do you want to go outside and look for worms?”
Inwardly, I cringed. This was not a good time for me: I was in the midst of a burst of productivity, the baby was napping, and I had a million things to “get done” that morning.
But the chart dictated Special Time, and my son was looking at me with big, hopeful eyes, so I pushed the mental to-do list aside and told myself, “Come on, Rachel—you can give Noah fifteen minutes of your time.”
This is why I love my son’s morning routine chart. I love it because it holds me accountable for the things that are important to me as a mother—the things that would probably get lost in the midst of the urgent “to-dos” and daily craziness of motherhood, if they weren’t included in our simple close-the-flaps chart.
I once took a personality profile that described me as a “perpetual”—someone who doesn’t feel natural breaks in my day, forgets to eat if I am in the midst of a project, and has a hard time “turning off” when I get going on something. I find it difficult to prioritize my long-term values over the short-term satisfaction of checking something off my to-do list. This is a trait I combat every day, especially as a mother, because I want the people in my life to know that they are more important to me than the projects I am working on.
In the book Essentialism, author Greg McKeown recommends that people like me “design a routine that enshrines the essential.” This is what Noah and I have done with his simple morning responsibilities chart, and it has made a huge difference in my ability to prioritize what’s truly important over what’s immediately visible or seemingly urgent:
- It is important to me that my son eats a healthy breakfast, but he wants to skip straight to playing and I want to skip straight to working. When we are both hustling around in the morning—he creating an elaborate train track, and I sorting a huge stack of laundry—it is easy to scarf granola bars and call it good. But now that “breakfast” is classified as an important event with a flap to close on his routines chart, Noah and I both take it more seriously. I might actually cook up some scrambled eggs, and we might even share a good conversation at the table before jumping into our day’s work.
- It is important to me that my son gets dressed for the day—and that I do as well!—but so often when I get busy with work around the house, it can be 1:00 p.m. before we are out of our pajamas. Yikes! An occasional pajama day is completely fine, but it was becoming a daily norm for us there for a while, and the chart has helped to reverse that trend.
- It is important to me that my son learns to work and contribute to the family, but it’s often much easier for me to do the chores myself. When we decided to include “make your bed” and “empty the dishwasher” in his routine, I was forced to teach him how to do those jobs, even though it took time and effort on my part. I had to endure lots of whining and tears as he was learning, but he now runs into his room and makes his bed without complaint, and he enjoys listening to music while he sorts silverware and climbs up on the counter to put away the plates.
- It is important to me that my son spends daily one-on-one time playing with me, but this simply doesn’t happen if I don’t make it a priority. Don’t get me wrong, I am interacting with Noah all day long—talking to him as I run errands, teaching him how to stir and measure as I make dinner, taking him to the park to play with friends, and reading books to him before bedtime—but I will freely admit that it is not natural for me to play with my son. In fact, playing toy trains on the floor is a mild form of torture for me, but I have learned to subject myself to this mundane activity for fifteen minutes per day if it means that I can develop a stronger relationship with my son.
We have our Special Time every morning when his baby sister is napping, and we do whatever Noah wants to do for fifteen minutes. Sometimes we play Legos (not my favorite); sometimes we play Candyland (much more fun for me); sometimes we look at slugs in the garden (surprisingly fascinating). We set a timer, and Noah doesn’t complain when it buzzes because he knows that he will get Special Time again tomorrow.
I come away from those fifteen-minute play sessions feeling closer to my son, more relaxed, and really proud of myself for doing something that is hard for me but also so important to me. It makes me feel like a good mom, and that is priceless in this job that leaves me feeling inadequate and overwhelmed a lot of the time.
- Finally, it is important to me that my son limits his “screen time,” and his routines chart has helped with that as well. He used to ask to watch a show when he walked into my room first thing in the morning, and I often said yes because I needed him to be occupied while I made a plan for the day. Then I would get started working on something, and all of the sudden, Noah had watched two hours of TV! Now that we have a better morning routine, we both know that lots of important things need to happen before Noah’s screen-time and Mom’s work-time (eating, dressing, chores, and of course our Special Time—capitalization intended). The chart holds both of us accountable for doing first-things-first.
Once his other tasks are completed, he can watch a show (I decide whether it’s a thirty-minute television episode or a full-length movie depending on what else I need to get accomplished), and once the screen-time flap is closed, we are done for the day. Noah knows this, and now that he’s used to the idea, he doesn’t whine and beg for more shows as the day goes on. (Hallelujah for less whining!)
Our simple morning chart has really transformed and enriched my motherhood experience, as it has forced me to slow down and make time for the things in my day that truly matter long-term. In the beginning, it took a few weeks for my free-spirited and stubborn little boy to get used to it, but I just kept reinforcing the routine and he now enjoys knowing the schedule (almost) as much as I do.
I know that the tasks that are included on Noah’s responsibilities chart will change as he gets older, as will the format (I doubt he will be closing flaps when he is a teenager); but I really hope that I continue to design routines that “enshrine the essential” in our home—not so much because it holds my children accountable, but because it holds me accountable for prioritizing the things that matter most to me as their mother.
QUESTION: If you chose five tasks for you and your children to do every single morning, what would those tasks be?
CHALLENGE: This week, design a simple morning routine in your home that “enshrines the essential.” Create a system for remembering that routine—perhaps a simple close-the-tabs chart or a laminated list to hang on your fridge and cross off with a dry erase marker.
Edited by Sarah Monson.
Photo from author with graphics by Julie Finlayson.
I love this….I forget that sometimes the things I set up for my children, really do bless me too. If I keep this in mind I also nag less, because I let them take the responsibility. It is amazing though, at these young ages what they are capable of, and how they do like the routine and the pattern that comes. Thanks for this, this was really well written!
Thanks, Danielle!!
I love this. I love the visualization of it and how it is interactive for him to lift the flaps up. It’s like crossing off a task – it’s the body movement of crossing off a task or closing a flap that gives that total satisfaction of completing something. Question: are the tasks completed in order or do you leave it up to him to complete any task he wishes (I’m assuming screen time is last because it is earned from the tasks being completed? Or perhaps you allow it at anytime because he knows once the flap is closed the time is over for the day?)? My son is 5 and I think this would be great for him. I have a responsibility chart that I made with a dry-erase cover, but I love the idea of him lifting flaps.
I’m so glad this was helpful!
I don’t make him complete the tasks in order–he can choose the order. Most of the time, screen time is last just because of the way our mornings go, but I don’t want him to think of it as a reward, so I try not to phrase it that way. He actually loves Special Time as much as he loves screen time, which is great.
He closes the flaps himself and goes to check and see what he has left to do–it has been so great. I can see lately that he is getting bored with our routine and his same old chores, so I will probably change his chores up, but I think we will continue with the “close the flaps” idea because it works with little ones. I got the idea for this type of chart from another POM article–you should check it out for more details on how to make and use the chart! https://poweroffamilies.com/morning-routine-charts-toddlers/
This is exactly what I needed! I relate with so much of what you said. Especially with how easy it is to be distracted and forgetting to place daily value on our long term goals. I am highly motived now. I’m going to make this chart for my 2 1/2 year old (I also have a Sally!). Thank you!
I really like this! I am curious, though…what does Noah do AFTER his screen time? I think my kids would just say they are bored and want MORE screen time…
That is a tough one and something we are always working on. I have a few “go to” things that Noah likes to do. He loves playing with kinetic sand and some tiny toy tractors I got on Amazon. I keep the tub of kinetic sand in the kitchen cupboard, so it’s easy for me to grab and dump out on a cookie sheet for him to play while I work in the kitchen. We’ve also recently discovered Quick Stix which are paint sticks that my son loves to use–they aren’t messy and keep him occupied for a while. I keep these in the cupboard with the kinetic sand! He can go outside and play–he likes chalk and bubbles. He likes to play the game Memory with himself or with me. He can have a friend over to play, or we can go on a walk or outing. I also like to involve him in my work when I can–let him help me fold the laundry (he can do the dish towels and socks) or I turn on music and we have a dance party while I do dishes and he clears the table. He likes ot build things with pipe cleaners, Legos, and Magformers. Sometime he is willing to sit at the table and practice his letters. It takes a lot of effort and energy for me to come up with things for him to do OTHER than screen time, but I have my go-to things that seem to work and we’re both happier when the day isn’t spend behind a screen.
Those are all wonderful ideas! Thank you! Next school year I will have all but my youngest in school. My youngest will be 5 in September, and his first question each morning is usually, “can I have the ipad?”. I have set 2 pm as the time that he can use it, but he still watches tv while I work with my 9yo homeschooler, and then, when he does get the ipad, I seldom pay Attention to how long he is on it, as I am busy getting kids from school and making dinner, etc. How do you keep track of the time?
Noah will be five in August, so it sounds like they are similar ages!
I put the ball in Noah’s court. I tell him ahead of time how many shows he can watch, and he knows that if he doesn’t turn it off at that time, then he loses screen time tomorrow. (I also turned off the setting on Netflix where the shows just start over. He or I have to manually restart a show with the remote control, which makes it harder for the hours to just pass.) He’s using a TV and not an iPad, so it’s a little easier for me to track him, but on an iPad, you could probably set a timer, right? So tell him that when the timer goes off, he turns it off. And if he doesn’t, then no screen time tomorrow. You could set your own timer, too, to check on him and make sure it’s off.
Noah is super strongwilled. I honestly think that if Noah can learn to follow this routine, any kid can. I had to be really consistent with him and first, and I had to take away screentime a few times (which, honestly, is more of a punishment for Mom, right??), but now he knows I mean business, and he monitors himself.
Also, screentime isn’t all bad. Sometimes I let him watch an entire movie if I have a lot of stuff I want to get done. So don’t feel bad if his time limit is two hours some days! I just don’t want that to be every day for Noah.
I wrote this article last summer, and our routines have changed somewhat since then. Now Noah gets one show in the morning after his morning routine is done: potty, teeth brushed, bed made, dressed for the day. He does this before he even comes out of his room in the morning. He comes into my room and says good morning, and while I am getting ready, he watches ONE show. Then we eat breakfast, do chores, and go about our day. His sister naps in the afternoon, so Noah and I have special time for fifteen minutes then, and then Noah does a one-hour quiet time in his room. (Ideas for making a quiet time possible here: https://poweroffamilies.com/mommys-naptime-101-2/. Again, it took lots of training for Noah, but now he can do an hour of independent, imaginative play, no problem.)
After his quiet time, he cleans up his room, comes out and he gets one more show–a long one or a short one, depending on my mood/busyness. Ha! Until his room is picked up, there is no show. I had to do this in order to cut down on his whining when I ask him to pick up. There is no battle anymore. If he wants his show, he has to pick up.
I hope this is helpful! Let me know your ideas for almost five-year-old boys!
Love this! Thank you, so much! I am coming from a place of almost no expectations from him. Being the youngest if 5 children, he is pretty used to everyone else doing everything, and I have struggled to get any of my kids to follow any sort of routine or follow through on any type of regular responsibilities. (Honestly, I struggle to get myself to follow routines and complete regular tasks). I have recently started the Family Systems eCourse, so I am hoping to remedy this entire mess of a situation…Heaven help me!
Don’t worry! Your “mess of a situation” (as you called it) is how most of our homes look most of the time! There are so many things to juggle with kids, and we are all just doing our best each day. Honestly, I admire moms with big families so much. You are amazing! I can barely manage my two kids! I hope to have more someday, but for now, two are maxing me out big-time! And I am so grateful for the resources at Power of Moms. I found them when I was a brand new mom, and that’s how I learned to build routines and systems. It’s been a lifesaver! The Family Systems eCourse is great! I’d also recommend watching a webinar by Amy McCready if you haven’t already. It’s about 45 minutes with some really practical ideas you can put into practice right away. (Power of Moms sometimes does them with her, but she has them going on all the time–just google her name.)
You are doing a great job! Keep on trekking! Comment back and let me know how your five-year-old responds to some of these ideas!