“I bet you never thought you’d have a kid like me, did you, Mom?!”
My then-13-year-old daughter blurted out that question after she had just finished telling me a story about some crazy thing she did. Boy, was she right. My beautiful, amazing daughter is nothing like I thought she’d be. My imaginary daughter was going to be, well…just like me. But God had already made one of me! And He doesn’t duplicate. He’s just so much more creative than that…so He gave me Molly. She’s outgoing and social, with virtually zero need for being alone. I’m an outgoing introvert—I love being with people, but definitely need a fair amount of quiet, alone time to recharge.
She doesn’t give much thought to what people think. I’m a recovering people pleaser who still struggles with how people view me. She’s laugh-out-loud hilarious; I’m more serious, with a dry wit. She’s a risk taker with a rebel streak; I’m a calculated rule follower.
At first these differences were really hard for me. When she was younger, I spent a lot of time trying to squelch her personality and fit her into my box. I wasn’t sure what to do with this child that was so different from me, so I tried to make her more like me. I parented my imaginary daughter—the one I’d dreamed up in my head—instead of the very unique child God gave me.
I disapproved of behavior and attitudes that made me squirm—the ones that weren’t wrong, but just foreign to me. I tried strategies with her that didn’t fit her personality—and then got mad at her when they didn’t work. This set up big power struggles. She believed I loved her, but that I also didn’t really like her.
Here are the lessons I learned the hard way over many years that have helped me to honor my child’s unique design:
I take interest in what interests my child. I don’t enjoy shopping. I’d order everything—including groceries—online if I could. My daughter loves to shop. It’s her love language—getting and giving gifts. I’ve tried to do this with her (in moderation!) because it makes her feel valued and it brings us closer together.
I use strategies that fit my child’s strengths and weaknesses. The other night, my son was really struggling trying to memorize a poem for school. He was so frustrated and obviously tired. I told him, “Your brain shuts off at about 8:30 p.m. That’s how you’re wired. What is taking you two hours to learn tonight will take about 20 minutes in the morning. It doesn’t mean you’re not smart. You just have to work with how you’re built.” Sure enough, he learned the whole thing in about 30 minutes the next morning and got an “A” on it!
As long as my child isn’t being disrespectful or rude, I allow him or her to express themselves—even if it makes me feel uncomfortable. The amount of energy my daughter brings home with her at the end of the school day can overwhelm me as an introvert. I’ve learned to just go with it; I’m so glad that she wants to share her day with me—both good and bad—and I’m not going to squelch that.
I compliment my children—specifically. I’ve started to deliberately tell my children the things I appreciate about them. Instead of “You’re smart,” I say, “I’m proud of how hard you worked on that project.” As I’ve begun to specifically compliment and reinforce my children’s unique strengths, I’ve seen it boost their confidence and make our relationship stronger.
I let go of the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts.” You know what I mean: She should be able to learn this activity without so much instruction. He should be able to make friends more easily. She shouldn’t need so much alone time. Who says? Just because we personally don’t struggle with these things, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with our kids when they do. When we send the message we think something is wrong with them, it impacts how they feel about themselves.
No, my kids aren’t at all like I thought they’d be–but that’s okay! I’ve quit trying to change them. I accept and honor the amazing, unique way God made them. And you know what? We’re all happier.
QUESTION: Is there an aspect of your child’s personality that is difficult for you? Are there behaviors or strategies you are using that might not fit with with their unique design?
CHALLENGE: Write down your child’s strengths, love languages and interests. Find one way to encourage or compliment “your child’s unique design.”
Edited by Dawn Wessman and Sarah Monson.
Post Images from author.
Feature image from Shutterstock with graphics by Julie Finlayson.
Such a great post! I have 3 very different daughters in 27 months (twins and a singlton) 5 & 3 years old and I recently read “The Child Whisperer”. Which helped me understand, accept and celebrate my three kids for who they are. This book was one of the best “parenting books” I have read because I think we all feel there is something we do to make our kids be or behave a certain way at least that is what I feel the parenting books focus on. Which parenting contributes some, but obviously we all have distinctive personality traits to begin with. Me being more of a quiet person and having an active, social, energetic kido, one sensitive and the youngest we are still discovering her uniques. It has been wild few years to say the least. I think like you, I have tried to change my sensitive and active kidos in many ways rather than accept them for who they are prior to reading this book. It is very freeing to be in the accepting place. It also reminds me that just like I know my limits of certain people. My husband and I know we need to support each other in breaks of our kids (which we don’t get much of) to maintain being in the accepting place of who they are. For example my energetic active 5 year old had perfected the 1 arm whistling headstand by 7 this morning. She got up at 5:45 😉 and filled the day with just as much energy ;).