*** Click HERE to enjoy Saren’s episode on the 3 in 30 Podcast. It covers everything in this post.
I really hit my stride as a mom when my kids were in elementary school. It felt relatively easy to find and cherish “fleck of gold” moments with my kids every day as I’d read to them, teach them exciting new things or take them on fun little excursions. When they became teenagers, I found that I had to make bigger efforts and step outside my comfort zone to create and enjoy golden moments with my kids.
Here are a three things I’ve found that work:
1. Tuck in time is more important than ever.
While the bedtime routine of helping kids brush their teeth, get their PJ’s on, say their prayers and reading a book together gradually went away as my kids got older, I’ve found that some important connections can and should still happen at bedtime. Once the kids seem to have settled into their beds at night, I have made it a practice to go into their rooms, give them a kiss on their forehead and tell them one thing I noticed that they did great that day or something I appreciate about them. Sometimes they’re already asleep when I go into their rooms, in which case I take a moment to take in how beautiful their sleeping faces are, tuck the covers around them and give them a little kiss – which sometimes wakes them up and results in a chance to tell them I love them and hope they sleep well. This little practice makes me feel so much love for my kids and helps them to feel like I really see the good in them. Sometimes these quick tuck in times lead to an important talk about something that’s been on their mind but most often, it’s just a 10-30 second interchange that leaves both of us feeling warm and happy towards each other. I walk out of their rooms feeling that lovely golden feeling you get when you did something right as a parent.
A few examples of things I’ve said to my kids at tuck in:
- “I love how you worked so hard on that assignment this evening. I know it was tough and frustrating and took way longer than you thought it seems like you felt great about getting it done and I’m so proud of you.”
- “I’m sorry I got angry with you today. I was overtired and worried about some other things but I still shouldn’t have gotten angry. I love how you didn’t yell back even though I’m sure you wanted to.”
- “I loved seeing you run in that race today. I love how you put your whole heart into your races.”
- “I know you’re disappointed that you didn’t get invited to that party. You are so much fun to be around and I’m sorry not everyone knows that about you – yet!”
2. Respect and get excited about their abilities and interests – “If it’s important to you, it’s important to me.”
It’s great to go to their performances, games and meets and help them pursue interests and you can have some golden moments when you see them put their heart into something and do their best. But as we go even deeper on supporting their interests and passions by looking them as our teacher and guide in certain areas, the golden moments are even better.
Here are a couple examples:
My oldest son is a self-taught expert in just about anything technology-related and I’ve often gone to him to help me with computer issues and questions. He’s now in college, studying computer science. Recently, I decided to replace my aging laptop and gave him a call. He asked me about my needs and what I like in a computer then did some research and came back to me with some great options, explaining the pros and cons of each. I loved having someone help me navigate the 1000’s of possibilities and it seemed like he really appreciated the chance to be truly helpful to me in a way that matches his abilities and interests so well. When my new computer came, he was so excited for me and helped me get everything set up just right. This simple little process brought us closer.
I’m a total whimp when it comes to doing anything where I don’t feel in control of what’s going to happen to my body but my kids’ absolutely love doing things that scare me to death. They love mountain biking and skiing and climbing up cliffs and jumping off waterfalls. I drive them up to the trailheads or ski slopes and watch them take off or finish. I go on hikes with them and try not to freak out as they climb and jump, taking photos and cheering them on instead. They appreciate this support but what really creates golden moments is when I push myself to actually try something that is really important to them.
A couple months ago, we were down in Southern Utah on a hiking and biking trip. I typically drop my husband and kids off at the trailhead then hiked on my own nearby while they careened down crazy trails. But towards the end of the trip, they did a somewhat easy trail and wanted me to try it. I really didn’t want to but when you have teenagers and they actually sincerely want you to do something with them, it’s important to comply whenever possible! So I got on a bike and headed off behind my 17-year-old daughter who promised to stick by me. I was terrible. I kept getting off my bike whenever I got to even a little rock or dip. But Eliza stayed by me and was so patient with me. She pointed out some simple techniques I could try and helped me see that I could push myself a little and trust the bike more because it could easily go over a lot of stuff that looked scary to me.
By the end of the ride, I was going over rocks and roots with Eliza riding along behind me, cheering for me. It was such a golden moment to have that role reversal where my daugther could play the teacher and coach role and I could gain the kind of understanding and appreciation of my kids mad biking skills that you can only gain by actually trying to do something yourself. My sons were so excited to hear from their sister that I’d actually stayed on that bike through some pretty scary stuff and I told the kids how my admiration for their biking abilities had just gone through the roof!
3. Talk less, hug more and let them feel their feelings.
You’ve heard about how important 6 second hugs are. Older kids often aren’t really into hugs. But when we just wrap them into a hug, they usually soften up after a few seconds and go with it. My kids get a hug or we do a little family huddle on the way out the door each morning. They get a kiss each night. They may not ever say that they like this physical affection but I can really feel the difference when I focus on doing these things.
Physical barriers and emotional barriers can go hand in hand and as kids grow up, the regular physical connection with our kids that is so much a part of parenting young children naturally declines. But it shouldn’t go away! Some kids are prickly and stiffen with a hug. It’s important to respect that some teenagers aren’t comfortable with a lot of physical affection. But I believe that every kid needs at least a hug a day whether they like it or not! And the more consistent I am with hugs, a kiss on the forehead at night, or simply a hand on their shoulder or a back scratch when I’m sitting by them, the more they accept and even seem to like it.
It’s a lot easier to talk to a kid about something serious when you have your arm around them on your hand on their knee. That physical connection makes the emotional connection easier. And because it’s a little awkward to hug or put your hand on your teenager for too long, it can help us to be more brief in what we have to say to our kids. Shorter is almost always better when it comes to talking to our kids about sensitive topics. I’ve definitely been guilty of saying too much to my kids when things are hard. Lately, I’ve really worked on saying less and hugging more – and it works!
Here are a couple recent examples of how more hugs and less words can work when teens are worked up about something:
After my 15-year-old twins had gotten to a really big fight about something, one of them ran up to his room and slammed the door and let out a scream or two. It’s a wonder he hadn’t broken the door frame and some of his behavior had been really inappropriate. But I held myself back from storming in there and left him alone for a while. When I walked into the room 15 minutes later, he angrily said “I don’t want to talk to you!” I had prepared myself to be durable and said, “I know and that’s OK. I just want to give you a hug.” He let me sit by him and put my arm around him. I just held him and said that I loved him and that I was happy to listen to anything he wanted to say. Then I shut my mouth. After a few seconds, he started telling me all the reasons his brother was so awful. I just listened and nodded. When he was done, I said “I’m sure everything feels terrible right now and that’s OK. You’re wise to take some time away from everyone. You stay in here as long as you need to. I just want you to know that I care and that I love you so much. Do you care if I say little prayer with you?” He shrugged and I said a short prayer for peace and healing and left. He came out a half hour later, hugged his brother, and they talked a few things out.
During the high emotions of Covid, my daughter stormed up to her room after we’d talked about how we all needed to to quarantine given that her brother had just tested positive for Covid, declaring that his carelessness was going to ruin her senior year. I gave her a little time to herself, said a little prayer, then ventured into her room. I could feel the tension in the air as I went into her room, she clearly didn’t want me there. But I told her I’d only be a minute and that I just needed to give her a hug – something she’s not really a fan of – but that I would really appreciate it if she’d let me hug her. She stiffly accepted my hug and gradually softened in my arms and let herself cry. After just holding her for a while, I affirmed the feelings she’d expressed earlier – “I get that this situation feels so sad and unfair. It’s OK to be mad and sad.” I told her I was proud of how she knows when to exit a situation and take time to herself and that I’d do anything I could to help make a bad situation as good as we could make it. Then I gave her another quick hug and left. She came out after a half hour and clearly did her best to make the best of things during the quarantine.
4. Bond through quality 1:1 time in different environments
While everyday connections in the midst of regular life are vital, those every-day connections are enhanced when we’ve really taken the time to spend special 1:1 time with them. I’ve found that 1:1 time works better when we aren’t at home – there are too many distractions at home and it enhances the intentional feeling of being together when you actually go somewhere.
I’ve made a point of taking my teens to lunch or out with me on an errand about once a month. I ask about some things I know they’ve been worried about or working on and tell them some positive things I’ve noticed about them (sort of like tuck-in time) but I also ask them what I haven’t asked them that I should be asking them. One time, my son Isaac told me that I never ask him about the music he likes. I’d never really thought to ask about that! He played some of his favorite songs for me in the car and I started asking all the kids about their favorite music whenever we’d do something together which led to some great bonding moments over music. Another time when we were on a little “date” together, Isaac told me that I ask too many questions and that maybe it would be good to just be quiet sometimes and see what happens. I felt initially a little hurt by the comment but then realized that he’s right – as our kids get over we really need to stop leading all the conversations and let our time with our kids be whatever it turns out to be.
I’ve taken each of my teens on a special trip somewhere at some point in their teen years. I have a brother in NYC – so we have a free place to stay – and I found cheap tickets so I ended up taking Isaac and Eliza to NYC (at separate times). My son Ashton got the most special trip – to Australia – given that I had the chance to got there to put on some Power of Moms Retreats and had a companion pass for him. My twins, Oliver and Silas, got a road trip to California where we stayed with my sister on her farm (they really wanted to go together for their trip but I think I still need to do a separate trip for each of them). On each of these trips, we had so much fun exploring some of the things they were interested in as well as the things I was interested in, had lots of car time to talk and enjoy audio books and music, and built some great memories that are foundational to our relationships.
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