As a young engaged couple, we fantasized about having a large family. I’d been an only child for my first ten years and my sweetheart had never known the joy of sibling rivalry, but we knew we wanted to be surrounded by little life forms and lots of them.
Even during those first family planning discussions, adoption was part of the plan. Not that we’d had much experience on the topic, but I suppose a seed had already been mysteriously planted in our hearts. Of course, like many other naive couples we mapped out our life plan. We’d wait the culturally respectable amount of time before opening the door to tiny hands and pitter-pattering feet. Our birth children would be welcomed first, and then when we were a graying couple we’d enlist our names on the adoption register.
Two years into our wedded bliss, we gave up control and were blessed with life in my womb. Nine months and seven hours later, joy spilled forth in a hospital maternity room in the shape of a perfectly beautiful, totally unrepeatable baby boy.
Within hours, our lives skipped a beat, like a record when the needle hits a scratch. The next month consisted of two surgeries on our son’s broken heart–needles, tubes, respirator vacuums, leads, beeping machines, white coats, and cold comments. After nights slept on rock-hard waiting room floors, we stood (the three of us) wrapped around one another as that precious gift drained of earthly life.
When the spinning slowed enough to form a conscious thought, the seed began to germinate. A child cannot be replaced, but the empty crib in our bedroom beckoned for a sweet-smelling occupant. Those brand-new onesies and homemade blankets kept babies on our minds, so we started the process of finding an adoption agency.
I can’t quite recall how everything worked out as it did, but people and information simply appeared. By the year’s end we were jumping through the hoops of placement preference forms, background checks, recommendation letters, physicals, and interviews. For people in TX, the Adoption Alliance helps birth mothers who want to give a baby up for adoption as opposed to alternatives.
Eleven l-o-o-o-n-g, nail-biting months later (of course, in retrospect, eleven months was less time than it took to conceive), we received the photo of a seemingly chubby, cherub-faced boy dressed in red plaid. With scant bits of black hair and Asian, brown eyes, he was a dream captured on film. Our caseworker knew this would be our son, but because there were loose ends to be tied, she was only able to say this baby was a possible match for us.
Talk about anxious anticipation! During the next few weeks, we felt like children circling the pile of presents under the Christmas tree, wondering which gift had our name on it.
Busy answering questions and phones at a podiatrist’s office, my baby fever was temporarily masked by work.
Then THE call came. The call to trump all calls. On the other end of the line sat our social worker, her voice pulsing through the phone wires. The equivalent to seeing that plus sign appear on the pregnancy stick, I heard the words that decreed we were about to become a family.
In a whirlwind of enthusiasm, we made the necessary arrangements and sped down the highway. Like our mad dash to the hospital a year earlier (but a whole lot less painful), we couldn’t wait to greet our baby. On arrival we were seated in an empty office, our stomachs churning with that nervous joy we’d felt on our wedding day. Unbeknownst to us, our little boy was lying in a cradle next door.
Finally crossing the threshold of a small room, we beheld our first vision of him. Resting peacefully in a crib was our son, our second son. My heart ached from the swell of love that welled up within my chest. In time an occasional ignorant bystander would bludgeon me with the proposition that biologically-connected love somehow trumps adoptive-love. In that moment, meeting my son, such absurdity would be forever discredited.
With our son stretched across his lap, my husband sat motionless— caught up in an intense gaze of wonder, love and fatherly admiration. Perhaps that was the precise moment when their bond was forged, because this son–more than any since–shares his father’s interests and passions.
That was 18 years ago. Eighteen cherished years of watching that little person grow and mature into an intelligent, faithful, handsome young man with an opportunity-filled future. This second son wasn’t a replacement for the first, nor is he overshadowed by any sibling since. He is our beloved child.
We were the youngest couple (at 25 and 27) ever to apply at the agency. Sadly, many couples consider adoption as a last resort, the silver medal in the race to parenthood. Not until they’ve exhausted other options do they finally relent and open their hearts to the adoptive process. Thankfully, we realized early on that being open to life extends beyond the biological.
How could we not have admiration and gratitude for our son’s birth mother, who heroically sacrificed her body and surely pieces of her heart? I can only imagine her internal conflict, when after the pain of childbirth, she relinquished her firstborn with the hope of providing him the best in life. Wherever she is today, may she have peace and confidence that our son is loved.
Those well-laid, life plans of so long ago have been rewritten a thousand times over. In our wildest dreams we couldn’t have conjured up the twists and turns our life journey would take us through. While the loss of our firstborn scarred us in some lifelong ways, it was the catalyst for so many blessings. I never would have chosen this course, but God didn’t ask me to choose. And for that I am grateful.
QUESTION: November is Adoption Awareness Month. Has adoption been a part of your family’s plan? How can you support an adoptive family or birth mother in your circle of influence?
Edited by Aubrey Degn and Sarah Monson.
Graphic by Julie Finlayson.
Family photo provided by the author.
I have a beautiful almost-8 year old son who we adopted as a newborn after years of infertility and a couple of miscarriages (the second of which was identical twins toward the end of my first trimester). I always had a heart for adoption. I would have loved to have had the experience of fullterm pregnancy and breastfeeding, but I would have always longed to adopt as well. Ideally I would have liked to have had both experiences. They are both equally beautiful ways to grow a family. I too have been confronted with ignorant attitudes (sometimes vocalized, and sometimes visible by facial expressions) that biological parenthood is superior to adoptive parenthood (and that bio parents love their kids more than adoptive parents do). It’s hard not to get upset at this ignorance, but it truly is ignorance. We know better, regardless of whether others believe us. Like you, I never would have wished for my twins to die, but if they had lived I never would have adopted my son (he was born 6 weeks before their due date). I know where my twins are, and I know my son is where he belongs, and I can’t imagine my life without him.
Thank you for sharing. Adoption is such a wonderful opportunity to grow families. I am so glad that your son grew in your heart even if he didn’t grow beneath it.
I love your quote that: being open to life extends beyond the biological. That’s beautiful. Thank you. We are open to the possibility of adoption in the future, but have 3 little ones under 4 and don’t feel like the timing is now.
I think openness is a matter of the heart and so that even if you never are called to adopt, you still are willing to share your life with others. Imagine if everyone in the world loved like that. Enjoy your sweet blessings.
Beautiful! My son is adopted and he is the single most precious, important, best thing to ever touch our lives. If people understood how wonderful adoption can be there would be no more children in need of loving families.
so so true!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am sitting here bawling right now. Your words were exactly what I needed to read right now. I have always wanted to adopt – in fact, I told my mom as a girl that I would just adopt instead of having biological children when I grew up so I wouldn’t have to go through the pain of childbirth! Well, that changed when I grew up and felt that strong desire to grow babies in my own belly. Now I have 5 beautiful, biological children. My last pregnancy was very difficult and I told my husband repeatedly that this was it! Yet, I’ve been feeling like there is someone else meant to join our family. I keep coming across articles about adoption, so I’m thinking this is God’s way of telling me it’s time to turn my thoughts and heart towards this avenue of adding to our family. I have an adopted sister from China and I always pictured myself adopting a girl, but the articles I keep coming across have all been about adopting Asian boys so I think it’s time to prayerfully consider what God is really intending for our family. And I’m still bawling…Thank you so, so much for sharing.
Thank you because you gave me goose bumps. There are so many options when it comes to adopting and I know God will lead you to the right one.
What a beautifully written article. We adopted too. After having three biological children. We fostered an amazing newborn baby, born 25 weeks along. When I first looked upon her in the NICU, I knew she was mine. The bond was forged and we all took her in our hearts. The love is the same for each child, biological or not.
Thank you and you are so right, love doesn’t distinguish differences.
This is such a beautiful story, thank you so much for sharing. I can feel the love 🙂
What a beautiful, loving mother you are. Thank you for sharing your story. I was wondering how does someone who wants to adopt start looking? Do you have any helpful resources to pass on?
Sally, it has been years since we stumbled through the process so I’m not sure what the best route is right now. We were blessed to find an in-state adoption agency that we could afford. That was before the age of google so I imagine today I would start looking there. My good friend, who lives in another state, adopted three children through the foster-to-adopt program. I think contacting your local services agency might be a good resource for that program. There are also a lot of out-of-state and country agencies, but you want to research them well before settling on one. If you are open to adopting an older child or a child with special needs, the wait times are shorter because the need is great. I’ve heard of an organization called Reese’s Rainbow that seeks families for babies wit Down Syndrome. The cost for adoption can seem discouraging, but I think there are plenty of ways to off-set the cost (fundraiser, donations, etc.)
Thank you. This was helpful. Adoption has always been in the back of my mind. We have four boys of our own making but due to health issues I’m not sure I can do anymore than that.
I love this! And I totally agree that most people don’t consider adoption soon enough. I knew before my husband and I married that I have some health issues that would make conceiving a baby difficult, so we decided to start fertility treatments and the adoption process at the same time–just put it in the Lord’s hands and see what worked out first! In retrospect, that was a lot to take on emotionally, but after lots of failed fertility treatments and lots of failed adoptions, we ended up adopting our perfect son, Noah. Now we have a biological daughter conceived through IVF. Both of our babies are miracles, and no doubt about it–we love them both 100% the same. Thank you for sharing your story!!
And thanks for sharing your story. The more we talk about the blessing of adoption, the more normalized it will become for people.